Although we did not end up having “the talk,” we got to the bottom of what has been causing him to be in such a foul mood lately. Of course, in my head nothing I have done is right and he is just doing that male thing where he avoids the subject until you get so fed up you break things off with him just so he does not have to be the bad guy. Turns out he was suffering silently with his own problems. Then I felt somewhat rejected, to a point. Why didn’t he just turn to me to talk if things were that bad for him? Normally I would sit and stew about this for days and days until I just imploded suddenly one day far in the future. So instead of doing that, I did something logical: I asked him why he didn’t come to me. And you know what? He actually answered me, and the answer made a lot of sense. It even sounded like something I would have said: “I didn’t know what to say or do.” I guess sometimes I get so caught up in trying to manage my own crazy life I forget that people around me are having hard times coping too. Which makes me feel like I’ve been selfish of late, and not really picking up on any subtle clues he may have been giving out. But then again, he is such a typical stoic male; he keeps his feelings, at least the sensitive ones, to himself and steels himself against any type of pain. But I have seen his quiet, softer side so I know it is there, hidden somewhere. I don’t want to force it out of him, so I guess for the time being I am just going to ebb and flow with whatever pace he sets for us. It’s not really the way I would like to have a relationship go; I really want to get married at some point and have more children, but I do know realistically that I cannot look forward to those things in my near future because I myself am still a work in progress. Right now, in my current mindset, I wouldn’t wish myself upon any decent husband and new baby, so I will set those plans to the side for a while. Maybe someday I will be able to look in on them with renewed hope. And maybe, just maybe, he will be the one looking back at me.


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