I am not sure if this happens to anyone else, but my OCD always seems to jump from obsession to obsession. As most of you know, for the last few days I have been obsessing over my ex again, having violent thoughts, etc. I was fighting the compulsion to text her, e-mail her dad, whatever would make me feel better. I remember wishing for one of my other obsessions to come back, just so I wouldn't feel so bad.
It is true what they say. Be careful what you wish for. I was driving home with my daughter and there they were. The family. The same mom that screamed at me two years ago. The same husband who screamed at me. THe same boy who I had violent thoughts about. This was the same family where my OCD was so bad one weekend, I took my daughter, walked over there, and made peace. So there they were, and I got what I wished for. The violent obsessions.
They were on and off as I had a rather busy day. But when I got home, they were there. I decided that it is time I stop running from my OCD. That it is time to stop hiding from my thoughts. So I did what my cbt therapist and I had talked about last year. I picked an exposure from my hierarchy, and did it. I put my daughter in her stroller, got the dogs ready, and put a kitchen knife in the bottom basket of the stroller. I walked past the house on the way there, and on the way back. Both times I wanted so badly to knock on the door, say hello, ask about the day home, make peace with the dad, etc. But I kept walking.
Now I am back at home and I can't remember the last time I felt this anxious and upset. I am scared that once I hit send you will all think I am dangerous, or crazy. I know this was supposed to happen. I just wasn't ex[ecting to feel this scared and upset. The ironic thing of all this, is right now, my 3 week old god son is asleep on my shoulder. He is so adorable, and as I look at him I just pray that he will never have to deal with something as awful as this disease.
As I said before, maybe I took a step forward today, but it sure does not feel like it right now. I am even having the I don't wantto be here anymore thoughts now. 🙁