My life never seems to just settle. It get worse and then a ray of hope comes through, and then it's back to shit again. I'm taking two 1mg Kolonopins latley, it's the only thing that seems to allow me to function. My best friend had moved in with my husband and I, about a year ago. I live up in the middle of nowhere and my husband is out of the house more often than I am, so whenever I was having a panick attack, needed company, or just wanted to be around my best friend, all I had to do was go downstairs. He's leaving now (no I'm not in love with him, he's gay), moving in with his grandfather and I can't help feeling completley heart broken. Every time I go downstairs and peek into that spare room, I'm going to think he's in there, sowing or doing something ridiculos that I can laugh at him for, but it will just be an empty room.

I really needed him when he moved in with us and I still really need him. My husband is losing his mind trying to pay for this house we moved inot 5 years ago and he's been having trouble finding and keeping work. He may get this one job but the salary is low and I'm still getting my masters and adjuncting. So his rash idea was to simply, have us both move back in with my parents. We lived in that miserable house with my parents who are currently seperated, and there is constant tension. It was a nightmare living there and I think that was why I fell into such a relapse that year. I told my husband I CAN'T LIVE WITH MY PARENTS again. I feel guilty because I know he's struggling paying for this stupid house, but he has this irrational ideas that he holds onto. Now on top of this my best friend in the whole world is moving out while my husband, (or husband to be in 2 months) is having another one of his breakdowns. I told him he needs to see a therapist because he will just out of nowhere get these INSANE ideas. It drives me crazy and I just feel so alone. I can't begin to think about how much worse I'm going to feel once my best friend moves out. I can't sleep and I just wish after 6 years of constant hell, being shifted around from a crappy appartment, to my parent's house, to a house of our own which we can't afford, that we can just find HOME….it's been 6 years of hell and still no sign of home