I had forgotten how good it feels to cry. I haven't been able to for months now. Even now my anxiety is returning and the heavy stone weights are returning to there familiar places on my body.

I watched a movie. It was very good. Lady Jane. When I see a movie that moves me deep inside, I find it easier to remember the reasons why I should be happy to be alive. When I become totally absorbed in a story, its very powerful. I want that power to move people.

I'm not never going to know if I'm any good, if its what I'm meant to do unless I give it my full effort. I truly believe you can make anything happen for yourself if you fight and work hard for it. Even if you don't get the end result you wanted, you still succesed.

I let my fears, not just my social anxiety, but just general everyday fears stop me from trying things I know I can live through. I just want the weight of those fears to not be in control anymore.

I need to keep reminding myself what I'm good at. I have to write and keep on writing no matter what. I have a lot of things to achieve and its time I stop. Stop with the excuses and take responsiblity.

Accept that I have responsibility to live fully in this moment and the next. Not to cop out. Not to be afraid. To live up to what I know I am capable of. To give myself a rest and not punish myself for it.

I've been searching for this clarity, I guess you could call it self-actualization. I remember it and then it seems to leave. I don't want it to leave again. I want to remember all the good things. Not the bad things that I love to tear myself down with. Because my life doesn't have to be that way. Not if I don't let it.