Derdra is my therpist…or i should say former therepist who i saw regularly for about two years…her specalty i believe was actually family counseling but through insurance and luck  she wound up with me…anywho she moved on to another practice and it is far from me so  she connected me to another therepist in the practice who specializes in OCD treatment….well i am happy for derdra  and  gratful that she found me a new therepist  but i am scared shittless…i met her yesterday for the first time…she is very nice and  non-judgemental  but i feel like she is too pushy….there was a time that is what i thought i needed  but i can’t handle exposures right now….my whole life is a huge every second of exposures and triggers…i have learned ways although probably unhealthy approaches to  modifiy my life to accomidate my "rituals"(hand washing and cleaning)   i try not to let it effect thing as much as possible but i am only human so it does a lot more then i relize probably  but  right now it works  it suck sometimes but i am   functioning  and i really can’t take on any other responsiblities….i have so much on my plate already   i care for my 3 daughters  24/7  my husband  my household  my large exteded famiy…i  just do not have the energy or brain power to do this…i know i waste a lot of it on  my obsessing and compulsions  but right now i need to survive…i need to be as much there as i can be w/o  adding more….i try to fight my mind whenever i feel the  strength  but all day everyday is just not possible for me right now…  i definatly  know that this treatment my help me someday but i don’t feel like the time is now…i am just trying to do the best i can right now…i know my future will be better but i need to be a funtioning mother and wife  right now …ans ocd can’t be cured that way it takes a lot of time and thought ans control and effort  but i just do not have it to give…i hate this cause of course i want to get better but the world and life refuses to stop for me to get it together so  i am stuck…the new therepist gave me the"you should control it now before your kids are old enough to catch on,you don’t want them to grow up fearful’   uuum no of course i don’t but i don’t need that throuwn in my face….i feel enough guilt  …i really try hard to downplay thing when my kids are around   i do most things out of thier sight  and range….i know they are not stupid but i try…i think it was her attempt to motive me…and i think she is right but i am not in a place where i could take that contructivly…i feel even worse now thinking that my chilren and familys happyness is not enough motivation  but all it does is piss me off and make me want to say fuck it!   i give  someone else do a better job  cause i just can’t anymore…i am truly trying…i just can’t get pass anger when it comes to my family and they way this effects them…i was not ocd before i got married and had children…had i been i probably wouldn’t have done it cause i hate turtoring them…this came along after the fact after i had tryed soo hard to  creat a strong relationship with the right man  and  work hard and  get a house and get married and plan my pregnancys  and take care of myself   and nurtue healthy babies…and just when i thought all my dreams and work had paid off and i could sit back ant enjoy  all being a wife and mother is   I GET FUCKING OCD!!!!!!i am not feeling bad for myself  i just feel likeWE AM ENTITLE to a better life w/o  this…i never in my wildest dream thought my life would be easy having three daughters so close in age  i knew there would be  sleeples nights and  worring and temper tantrum and poop  and i prepared for it i though also of the fact that they will grow up and be best friends and play  and love eachother   but i never factoor ocd in  so i am not prepared to fight it!!!  so  that is where i stand  i just can’t   if i hhad known i would have prepared like i did for everything else  but i am not ready to fight myself!!!!!!!!  i worked so hard  yet it is all still screwed up…i just want to be "normal"  not perfect  just  average…all the goals i just want average but happy and love…why can’t i have that tommorrow  why do i have to turtore myself to get  and to offer average to my family…anyway iam sorry this is so long but i am not done yet….when i went to therepy w my old  therepist she touched on everything…she tryed to motivate me to challenge myself  and  gave m great advice and sometimes just listened to me bitch…and always helped me feel proud of my small hurdles i  jumped…now the new therepist wants me to jump through hoops….i got homework that is fine can for the sake of sanity spend some tme each day reflecting or whatever   but she wants me to for a sraight week   right down a chart  of  time of day,trigger,,discomfortlevel and list the rituals and how long i spent doing them….well shit i mine as well  tape the pen to my fucking head cause i would never put it down  except to wash my hands….so let me get this straight   not only do i have to live  w all my time consuming ocd shit as well  try to have and provide as normal life as possible, now i need to waste more time and energy documenting it.i know this is effective well intended treatment…but…it  would   take over my whole life…i would have no chance at rying to do anythig else…i would obsess   ritualize while waching the clock and being intouch with my anxiety level and write all friging day…but i need to be normal too…there are not enough seconds in a minute….i want to be better i really do  but i wish god would just make one exception for me  and cure me of this overnight cause  i  am so stuck   being miserable but acting normal….not my happy life i envision…very fucking miserable…i am just stuck  i am sorry this took so long to get out i actually  wsh i could keep going but my wrists hurts…now i even got tendenitis in my rist from  complaining on my support group website…lol…i really can’t win

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