It’s really hard not to judge myself. I try to remember all the Self Love I’ve been working on, but it all seems to go out the window when my mind is in this state. So she broke up with me, it’s not the end of the world. I feel annoying to all my friends (the whole two of them), and I almost have no self control when it comes to messaging her.
I don’t know if I could be just friends with her. Part of me thinks I could, thinks I’m being too dramatic about my feelings for her. But the other part of me says: “Friends don’t get butterflies when their other friend smiles.”
I don’t feel motivated to do schoolwork. I need to finish it by June, but everything just seems irrelevant right now. I’m thinking of all my failed friendships, how I feel too deeply for people in general. I make every relationship my main focus, I try to go above and beyond so they don’t leave. As I read this as another person, I think it sounds ridiculous. I should make myself the main focus. I shouldn’t be so broken up about the past. I just miss her in the evenings the most, thinking of her snuggled in bed and the way her face scrunched when she laughed. All the little details, they’re all here floating around with nowhere to go. It makes me sad not being able to hear her voice, the one I got so used to. Pure trust and love spilling from her lips.
Nostalgia is a seductive bitch. I hear a song and think of her. I close my eyes and see her face.
I feel like I don’t have a right to feel this way. Everyone warned me so I should’ve expected it. I could’ve prevented it. I don’t want to question my every movement anymore. I’m tired. I want to trust my feelings, know they’re here for a reason. But my brain has been telling me for so long that I’m not entitled to feel certain ways, other people need it more. Isn’t it ironic that I want to help people and make them feel good, but at the same time I can’t stand them in public? Kids annoy me. Youths annoy me. But all this hatred and annoyance and judgment in my heart isn’t good for my happiness. I want to shake it all off, show everyone who doubted me that I can make it. I’ve felt sparks and seen glimpses of what my happiness could look like, and I want it. But I know it won’t come right away. I need to reset my mind, which will take awhile. I’ve been in therapy for as long as I can remember, but I think I’m finally starting to understand something amazing:
I’m allowed to be happy. Everyone is allowed to be happy. Everyone has struggles and stories I don’t understand. I can’t fix everyone and it’s not selfish to look after myself.