Is my blood too thick for Brooklyn? Must be, considering I feel like I ran a marathon after simply just walking around for about an hour in 90+ degree heat.
Once again, a totally boring wasteful weekend of literally doing nothing. I didn't leave my apt yesterday at all, didn't even remotely care to for any reason at all. I wish Frank went out of town this weekend… I love when he goes out of town, then there's actually a chance I'll get to spend time with Dan. Dan is the only person I care about interacting with at all. The rest of them can go fuck themselves, seriously.
That's how fucking fed-up I am with my entire immediate environment. I hate everyone I work with… I never want to see their fucking faces ever again. Then I come home, completely drained from literally running around Manhattan in 90 degree heat, dealing with the most mundanely stressful situations on this godforsaken fucking planet. We haven't had good sex in a while…. maybe it's the heat… and I'm just dead tired every single day when I get home from work, I usually pass out before 11pm…. but then never ever feel well-rested when I wake up and I don't know why. I feel really weak. And I complain that I need a vacation, but I'm beyond broke… and it's gonna be that way for a while for sure… because Frank got laid off from one of his main gigs… he found a new one for September but it's only like 2 days a week so he must find another one asap. His relationship with Andrew has dwindled down to strictly business… but even that is failing… Andrew avoids Frank like the plague… it's really sad actually. But that's a story for another day I guess and it doesn't really concern me because it's not my business… or maybe it just drags me down too much to think about it.
Anyway… I was supposed to go to my parents' house in jersey for a bbq but I backed out at the last minute because although I haven't seen them in a month, I simply don't care enough to commute there and back… Frank is performing at a bday party now, he'll be home around 6… we'll probably go over to the Park…. the roots are playing tonight…. should be lots of phony hip white kids there haha…. not really looking forward to it too much, but it's something to do I guess.
Yesterday Frank said I was a passionless person with no hobbies. And today he probably doesn't even remember saying that. That's our relationship in a nutshell for ya.
I'm not amused by him at all lately. It's sad because from the end of May until a couple of weeks ago, we were having pretty awesome sex… and how it's pretty much back to business as usual…. boring and basically a fucking chore for both of us… but it's definitely more enjoyable for him for sure. It's so fucking unfair.
Maybe I should start fucking another dude for real…. just to make me feel alive and to give me a reason to take pride in my appearance. I could probably do it relatively easily… I mean, I usually work late a lot anyways…. so I could always use that as an excuse. And I don't have a ton of friends so it's not like I'd be worried about being seen with another dude in public.
And I think about all these things… about how I should really try to break away from Frank… and then I get a little bit guilty and sad….. because from a distance, our life situation is actually really wonderful. We have a really amazing apartment with a backyard…. he has a cool job that he's great at… I have a semi-intriguing job at least… we live in a really sweet part of town right by the park….. and I should be happy.
But I'm fucking miserable and I want to kill myself or move really far away and not tell anyone where I'm going… HA!!!