I think this is a good time to talk about the big one word question: WHY The mystery of life is one that causes me great grasping. Friends of mine who are Buddist remind me that true peace, true contentment comes from letting go, stop grasping. That old saying just popped into my head — "grasping at straws" — but, at least a straw is tangible.
I have cried and screamed the great WHY so much of my adult life. Screamed: "Why did my mom have to die when her life was just beginning?" — "Why did mama have to die such a torturess death — stage four ovarian cancer — carrying around a massive tumor in her abdomin — going to the cancer center and having seven liters of fluid drained out of her lungs once a week?"
WHY — Why did my ex-husband have an affair and get another woman pregnant? Why did I have to find out about it when I was six months pregnant with our son?
WHY — Why did my office assistant have to die in her sleep at the age of 37? She was one of sweetest people I've ever known — true, genuine, a great friend — why did she have to die when she was just beginning to shine?
WHY — Why did my daddy get Parkinson's disease and have to live with it for over 30 years? Why was he tortured — he sure as hell didn't deserve it! He served in Korea and put his life on the line for our Country.
I can go on and on with the WHYs I've screamed at/to this life. Sometimes I just want to beat the shit out of life — it wouldn't help, I know, cause I'm just swingin at the air. Life can be a real bully! — let me add bullshit bully!
So, as I reflect, I suppose this journey of my life is one of accepting the WHY — of trying to find a way of forgiving life for the shit it's given me. But, the problem is, I am so resistant to forgiving life — I sure as hell don't trust it.
One of my many screams at life is that I don't believe that life has really ever accepted me — truly welcomed me. I suppose that is ungrateful of me because I have had some wonderful things happen in my life: the birth of my son and watching him grow into a wonderful man and marry the love of his life — a beautiful lady. The opportunity to earn my candidacy for a doctorate at the University of Maryland — probably one of the greatest experiences in my life was the four years I spent at the Univ. of Maryland — GO TERPS!
The somber reality returns to me — that I must somehow learn to live with the WHY. I suppose that's what life is about — life's purpose is living with WHY. I envy those who never think about WHY — those who could give a shit about WHY — those who are oblivious to WHY — sure as hell must be nice!
As much as I dread it, I suppose I'll live with WHY — what a shitty roommate — he has his moments though (few and far between).
I'll keep you posted on my continued love/hate relationship with WHY (mostly hate). I know you have some problems with WHY as well — WHY is why we are here trying our damnest to live — to make it through another day.
One of the best things that has happened to me during this last month is to find Depression Tribe — here I've found a community of brothers and sisters who also struggle with the WHY.
We will carry on together….we will endure together….we will persevere together….we will to beat the odds together…. we will battle the WHY demon together.
I'm so glad you're with me in the journey!