I think this is a good time to talk about the big one word question: WHY The mystery of life is one that causes me great grasping. Friends of mine who are Buddist remind me that true peace, true contentment comes from letting go, stop grasping. That old saying just popped into my head — "grasping at straws" — but, at least a straw is tangible.

I have cried and screamed the great WHY so much of my adult life. Screamed: "Why did my mom have to die when her life was just beginning?" — "Why did mama have to die such a torturess death — stage four ovarian cancer — carrying around a massive tumor in her abdomin — going to the cancer center and having seven liters of fluid drained out of her lungs once a week?"

WHY — Why did my ex-husband have an affair and get another woman pregnant? Why did I have to find out about it when I was six months pregnant with our son?

WHY — Why did my office assistant have to die in her sleep at the age of 37? She was one of sweetest people I've ever known — true, genuine, a great friend — why did she have to die when she was just beginning to shine?

WHY — Why did my daddy get Parkinson's disease and have to live with it for over 30 years? Why was he tortured — he sure as hell didn't deserve it! He served in Korea and put his life on the line for our Country.

I can go on and on with the WHYs I've screamed at/to this life. Sometimes I just want to beat the shit out of life — it wouldn't help, I know, cause I'm just swingin at the air. Life can be a real bully! — let me add bullshit bully!

So, as I reflect, I suppose this journey of my life is one of accepting the WHY — of trying to find a way of forgiving life for the shit it's given me. But, the problem is, I am so resistant to forgiving life — I sure as hell don't trust it.

One of my many screams at life is that I don't believe that life has really ever accepted me — truly welcomed me. I suppose that is ungrateful of me because I have had some wonderful things happen in my life: the birth of my son and watching him grow into a wonderful man and marry the love of his life — a beautiful lady. The opportunity to earn my candidacy for a doctorate at the University of Maryland — probably one of the greatest experiences in my life was the four years I spent at the Univ. of Maryland — GO TERPS!

The somber reality returns to me — that I must somehow learn to live with the WHY. I suppose that's what life is about — life's purpose is living with WHY. I envy those who never think about WHY — those who could give a shit about WHY — those who are oblivious to WHY — sure as hell must be nice!

As much as I dread it, I suppose I'll live with WHY — what a shitty roommate — he has his moments though (few and far between).

I'll keep you posted on my continued love/hate relationship with WHY (mostly hate). I know you have some problems with WHY as well — WHY is why we are here trying our damnest to live — to make it through another day.

One of the best things that has happened to me during this last month is to find Depression Tribe — here I've found a community of brothers and sisters who also struggle with the WHY.

We will carry on together….we will endure together….we will persevere together….we will to beat the odds together…. we will battle the WHY demon together.

I'm so glad you're with me in the journey!

1 Comment
  1. cgent7 9 years ago

    Hi Ajaradom,

    I too struggled with the big "WHY" for several years after hitting a really rough spot in life. I searched everywhere for the answer, my religion, my friends, books, stories and beliefs that are widely held….put a lot of miles on google.  What I finally decided is that there is no set answer. It was up to me to figure out the answer for myself. I cycled through lots of different ones and noticed that a lot of the answers made me hurt, and a few made me feel good. And then it hit me..since I get to decide then why would I ever choose one that made me feel bad?  If there is some force behind life then wouldn't it be logical if it led the way by making certain ideas/things/actions make me happy and others make me unhappy? It seems to me that whenever I feel bad I am off the path I am suppose to be on. And if following my own personal path is what is right for me then isn't another person's path to happiness what is right for them? Who am I to tell anyone or anything they should be a certain way? And besides, whenever I do that it makes me feel bad…and then I am obviously off my own path!  So I waved goodbye to my demons, and we parted on different paths 🙂   They are simply beliefs that are not true for me. Sometimes they try to revisit, but soon slink away when they see me laughing at them.


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