Things have been better with my husband lately…he's stopped drinking so much, he comes home earlier and he doesn't bring his best friend over to sleep on our couch every night. Today I was talking to my best friend, who knew that we were having issues…she asked me if I was happy and I had no idea what to say. I feel anxious and sad every second of every day thinking about our future, and if he's going to do all the things he promised me.

I sponsored him for a visa and permanent residency a few months ago, and the process takes about a year to finish. Right now he has no status and he had no status for a year before that….so basically he can't get a job that doesn't pay cash and he can't go to school either. He's basically done nothing productive since his study permit expired in November 2010. He has started studying for a financial analyst test with 2 of his friends and he's been doing that for a few days…which has given him something to do but I'm not convinced it will change anything. He can't seem to focus on anything for more than 2 days..this goes for jobs he's trying to get, things he wants to learn about and do, etc. He wants to go back into university next year but I have no idea if he'll even get the motivation to apply. I'm someone who's very motivated even by myself, I go to school and work part time to pay our bills. He has no understanding of how difficult my life is or of the sacrifices I've made for him….whenever I bring up these things he goes off about how when he has his money he'll buy me whatever I want…but he's not doing anything now. Our personalities clash horribly sometimes and the tiniest things he says make me pissed off…out of all the people I know he's one of the most lazy and unmotivated, he doesn't clean up after himself either. There are lots of things he could do to fill his time (volunteering, learning a new language, running, working out etc) that you don't need a visa to do…but he doesn't want to do them.

Another issue is his friends…he's constantly with them for at least 10 hours a day…for no reason. They're not studying together, and they have no fun plans, they just sit around talking and smoking for hours. He can't do anything by himself, even something like going to the doctors or buying a new pair of pants. I don't know why this bugs me so much, but I'm working hard all day and he sits around all day on his ass. Something that would take me 1 hour to do takes him 5 or 6 because he's waiting for his friends to come to see him, waiting for them to call, and all that. A few of them are super lazy, and he's really easily influenced by other people.

Our ideas about things are completely opposite…but he won't admit it!!!!!!! I ask him to do something over and over (e.g. not to smoke inside the house, to wash the dishes, take the garbage out, get a job and start giving me money to help with our bills) but he never does it!!! I came home today and SURPRISE there are little bits of cigarrette ash and a lighter on the table, and the air freshener is plugged into the wall to hide the smell. If he really doesn't want to do what I ask him to, why can't he just tell me that?????? He's so dishonest and immature and I'm not sure how much of this I can take. He tells me he loves me a million times a day and would do anything for me, but whenever I confront him about not doing what I asked a thousand times he says it's because of his "culture"(he's Moroccan) which allows him to be lazy, and because of how he was raised.

We've been married for over a year now, and we still have at least another 5 months before he gets his visa and work permit, probably more!! I don't know how much more of this I can take. I do love him and I've put so much time and money into this relationship. Obviously he's in a really bad situation right now with not much to do, so he probably wouldn't be acting like this if he could go to work or school. I guess I should wait to see how things are then but I don't want to waste my whole life with someone who doesn't know what he wants. I feel like I'm forcing him to stay here by sponsoring him when he would be much happier somewhere else. I talked to him about how I feel and he said that he wants to stay here, loves me etc. I just don't know if I can stick around with someone who's ideas, morals and values are so different from my own.

Am I just being a huge bitch or is there actually something seriously wrong here???? I'm so confused…help!

  1. SuperB86 11 years ago

     Wow….there is something wrong here, but it can be fixed if your man puts in the effort. I mean, i know how some different cultures are raised in a certain way, but when you are with someone sometimes you have to mend a few ethics. I have a big feeling this guy will change up a few things in life to make you happy since you are the head of household, then once he gets his visa he will either leave you or go right bad to his bad habbits. I'm sorry, but i have to cut right to the point, I have seen a lot of women in my young life get used by men. Does not matter what culture your from, when your using someone that is not right. I know you have strong feelings towards him, but if your unsure of your relationship you should call it quits before you go far enough down the line with him that your heart gets stomped on. If he could change his ways with helping you clean and actually trying to look for work, even if its cleaning yards or extra help somewhere, then you have a chance to have a good marriage. You should really have a deep conversation with him and tell him he needs to start helping you around and instead of having fun/doing games with friends he needs to do something to benefit your household. I mean yah people need their time with their friends and themselves but more than 6 hours everyday? Come on, that is just not right. Well, i wish you the best of luck on what ever you choose to do! Sorry if i sound a little harsh, it's just the way i talk…:)

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  2. borntired 11 years ago

    ok why do you love him? list the reasons? putting time and money into a relationship does not equal love. Can you see him changing? is he depressed because he can't get a regular job right now and is not leading the household?

    would he go to counseling? sounds like you need a third party to sort some stuff out.

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  3. lucy397 11 years ago

     Actually it's super difficult for me to list even 10 reasons why I love him….he's a really romantic person which I guess I appreciated back when we were dating because I'm not romantic….also he's pretty smart even though he doesnt go to school. He has lots of talents….but doesnt really use any. He might be open to the idea of going to counciling but he wouldn't be honest about what he feels so there's almost no point to it. He's obsessed with what people think of him. I see a therapist right now and he's always asking me what I told her about him, what she said about him, if she thinks he's an asshole, and one time he even told me what not to tell her about our problems. I talked to him last night and this morning and made a new blog about it because I feel so stressed out right now. 

    Thanks for your comments though they've helped me think things through. 

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