i'm so sad. i've been staying here at my mom's house and it's really nice here ya know… everything is clean and my mom buys me food and stuff i need until i can get a job. it's cool as shit…except i have no friends here and my girlfriend is like 45 mins away and the closest meeting is 20 mins away and i don't drive… and i'm upset all of a sudden man…. i've been trying not to stay in my own head ya know, but it's been a struggle… my sponser i don't think is anymore since i relapsed two months ago..and she doesn't really answer my calls or have time to call me back….and it's just been kinda pointless to call anyone else in the rooms….i'm so confused…i know this is getting really old, but i'm starting to get really sick of this.. since i relapsed and lost my job and house, i have tried to live 3 places and none of them have worked….and today has been a battle man… i started obsessing about dope today man…and this place i'm staying is like where i used to get my dope ya know…and i take a walk and see all these old houses where i used to buy dope and i'm gonna be straight up honest man..if they still lived there i probably would have knocked on their door today, and it was like i even thought about it a lot lately how i don't want to use at all and how this last relapse was a bottom i think i needed to hit ya know…because all the over bottoms i hit where pretty rough ya know, but i didn't care then… not at all…and it sucks thinking that i could have got high today when in all reality i really don't want to use it's just i'm so lost lately. kristen, my girlfriend has been acting kinda off too, which isn't making my pointless life any better…lol since she's the highlight of my life right now as horrible as that may sound. she didn't call me all day and i finally got ahold of her and she was with her bro all day, and got herself in a situation around people using…and the other night she went out to a concert…which i know there were people using there…and she's talking about going out this weekend to celebrate her 60 days clean…i told her that it doesn't work that way…she's like well i can still have fun and not use…but i know with my experience with that, i went to clubs, shows, bars…and didn't use maybe the first couple of times, but it's like you hang out at a barber shop long enough you're gonna get a haircut…lol i love that one…anyways… i don't know what's going on anymore… i love kristen…but i love myself, and i know i'm getting sick of not knowing where i belong. it's starting to really piss me off. i'm not good at life. it's hard being 20 and trying to stay clean, i would absolutely fucking love to go out to the bar and hang out and be with people my age, but unfornutely i've already tried that and i got high.  i've been trying to stop using since i started when i was 11…but really i've been trying since i was 18 and going to NA and i'm beginning to piss myself off all of a sudden…ya know… i'm sick of doing really good and buying new stuff and feeling good about myself and having everything going well and then i pick up and lose it all and have to move and start over again…all the time…this time was the worst. all my possessings i have left are outside in a building and i can't like decorate or anything because my parents are selling their house and we got like people coming in to look at it and crap. i'm so upset. i just want to know where my HP wants me to be and i want to go there and start living my life man. i'm pretty much killing myself in my mind LOL forreal though. i feel so alone right now. my mom doesn't understandbecause she's an active acoholic so if i go get high right now she won't be too pissed off…….. she might even give me some $ ya know. she used to when we were dope sick..my sis and i.. but she does love us…. anyways i'm rambling like a crazy person haha. i haven't been to a meeting in like 2 weeks i think. i miss them =( i have like 36 days clean today and let me tell ya it's a damn miracle…lol anyways. i just want everything to be ok man. i'm writing so much because i'm sad, but i can't cry so the pain is like stuck ya know. it's no good. me and my girlfriend are distant right now and that sucks. i'm sorry i'm so ungrateful. blah i think i should go write a gratitude list man. i guess i better do something since this isn't going to do much. lol if anyone has any advice for me please help haha i feel like an idiot sharing so much, but i'm hurting and i don't wanna use anymore. i just want to be better. i hope everyone is having a goodnight.  love ya


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