It is the time when I need my confidence most and my clarity.To actually admit to a whole website I am scared of failing career wise, not having money for my holiday and to pay for things while I am away, not having anywhere to stay on holiday that I want to (rather than HAVE too.) going into debt more, collapsing what I have built, not being able to pay rent or for my car to be fixed and the bills.. and what needs to grow right now, that I just feel I can’t do because if I did I would prove myself wrong of all the doubt and insecurity and maybe…just maybe that would be the final point of healing ever!…well in this part of the journey. It makes me feel angry and resentful that I feel these feelings one day then not the next and then I see I have lost one whole day! or gained… I don;t know – confusion.. mixed feelings.
As an adult who was an abused child, a teenager slash adolescent who chose anorexia to cope with this truth, I find it terribly overwhelming, and my healthy self, to feel these feelings, to let myself have the ultimate reward of favour of achieveing what I desire when I need it, and allow the faith in the spirits and the universe to protect and guide me. Alone, with no relationship distraction (which has usually been ridiculously inappropriate until now when I decided that it was and is not for me right now) – I sit typing this and feeling that it is hopeless to change my level of work – I don’t know what I want and I don’t feel confident in it – all I am thinking about is money and that is not me. I need to do something that is fun and i believe in – I didn’t believe in doing things for money alone. There must be some other value. I am sick of hearing myself whingeing about it and doing nothing then when I go to do something I start to feel the fear and it makes me cry.
You know I can actually hear myself talking this inside my head and it makes me feel better because inevitably i know I have choice around this… In my life, I can probably count the times on one hand when I have been selfish and taken care of my own needs first. This time needs to increase and my confidence level will come up. After such a long time of recovering and healing, I feel I know myself well, but not nearly enough, not enough for relationship, or enough to let myself get knocked over like I feel right now by the need to increase my income permanently and in the next week or so, and to do it the way I want to do it rather than feeling crap about myself for not doing it and crying til the early hours of lunch time, then evening and then pretending it doesn’t exist and occupying myself with a glass of wine.
A young woman is coming to stay with me today for a few days. I barely know her and this is challenging all my boundary setting skills. I am testing myself and my confidence in my gut feeling, as I feel I trust it and she is okay. She is actually worthwhile trusting. She is going to teach me a computer skill and be company over a few glasses of wine, a fun night out and maybe a hill walk with some friends. This is all scary as normally I would say no, no to any of it, and then find myself reclusive and in a cinema alone, or at the supermarket again stocking up on things I already have, or worrying about money that is not in my bank account yet.
Life is a little scary right now and fees out of my control…I don’t want to trust everything is okay and on track…. Like really …I don’t know what is going to happen financially or if I really am good enough for what I want to do, which I do know.. I want to be mentored to finish some plays I have been writing, and sell some work, and a couple more roleplays, a voice over and an ad as well as a workshop teaching acting in October. These are the thing sthat would help me along workwise and they would also allow me to go on holiday – the first three years- and actually enjoy it without worrying.
Breathing in and signing off. x Self doubt really is the key here and the resulting feeling is depression. It feels crap and like a sad tune on a trumpet when nobody is listening…The old patterns have a powerful pull at moments of great fear and great healing ….yet – they always seem such a good idea a the time until moments just like this…just like this one.