Ok now i understand! It just hit me today. I get it why noone wants to be freinds with me, in real life, or lol, even online for the most part!  " I am a bum, a piece of shit lowlife, worthless, coward, pussyboy who is weak minded (unlike "real men"), a parasite who lives off the government and recieves soc.sec…for, of all things(mental health issues)! this is unnaccetpable. i mean, this must make me some type of deginerate right? 

Well, all of the above is how alot of people view, percieve, or treat those who recieve ssi. It dosen\'t matter what you recieve it for to them. Or even if despite all of your personal demons that you were so luckely bestowed with, maybe you are  fighting the hardest fucking personal battle of your life, where everyday it\'s like nuclear warfare inside your cranium. They just stereo type everyone into the same category. Hmmm…..alot like racial discrimination, sexism,  age discrimination, homosexualism(lol, couldn\'t think of the word for that one), or just any type of unfair stereo typing based on things that were or are out of your control.

The sad thing is that i never used to let close minded people/ and or hypocrits like that affect my thinking. Ok, well actually i did all my life, but through years of hard work though therapy, meds, homework, huge life decisions, facing my fears and challenges head on, etc., i actually was able to change my style of thinking into a more less "FUCK YOU if you don\'t accept me for me kind of attitude". And i have to say that after i starting improving, that i was feeling the best ( confidece, self esteem, out look on life and the future, etc.) wise that i had ever felt my whole life! I was brimming with confidence  and  was full of dreams, goals, and the yearning for a fresh start.

However, of the 5, almost 6 months that i have lived here in Cali(where i thought people tended to be more liberal, understanding, open minded, willing to help, and other positive sunshiney shit) i have slowly had my confidence, self esteem, self worth, outlook look on life, etc,, ripped to shreds slowly over time. it\'s like i am being slowly punised for something that i did in a previous life. I fight with all that i have, but there is always something waiting around the corner to undermind me and take a small piece of my soul with it.

Maybe everyone is right, and i Am worthless lol….FUCK THAT, I AM A GODDAMN HUMAN BEING WITH HUMAN FUCKING EMOTIONS AND FEELINGS, THAT DESERVES TO BE TREATED WITH RESPECT AND HAS THE SAME RIGHTS AS ANYONE ELSE! For people that just see somone, hear something about them( and make a snap judgment based on what they hear or see w/o giving the person a FAIR chance to actually exlpain, prove, or to atleast hear that person out, actually listen to what they say, and take what they have to say to heart and instead they just assume that they know all and if things aren\'t done "their way" then the other person must be a loser coward ass piece of shit trying to take advantage of uncle sam . To you people i say this…."OPEN YOUR MINDS FIRST AND NOT YOUR MOUTHS, MAYBE, JUST MAYBE WHAT YOU SAY OR HOW YOU ACT TOWARD A PERSON HAS MORE BEARING ON THAT PERSON THAN  YOU CAN POSSIBLY KNOW….JUST MAYBE THAT PERSON IS ON THE FUCKING EDGE AND FIGHTING THEIR ASS OFF EVERYDAY TO JUST STAY ALIVE YET ALSO STILL ACHIEVE THIER GOALS. WATCH WHAT YOU SAY AND DO, YOU JUST MAY END UP HURTING SOMEONE REALLY CLOSE TO YOU OR SOMONE THEY KNOW. YOU MAY NOT REALIZE THIS, BUT WHAT YOU SAY ON A PARTICULAR DAY TO SOMEONE MAY JUST BE THE STRAW THAT BROKE THE CAMALS BACK FOR THAT INDIVISUAL. WAKE UP, EDUCATE YOURSELVES! I HAVE EVEN HEARD OF SOME PEOPLE WHO HAVE CLOSE RELATIVES WITH MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES OR MAYBE THEY HAVE STRUGGLED IN THE PAST THEMSELVES AND YET THEY STILL DON\'T PUT FORTH A CONSCIENCE EFFORT TO TRY AND UNDERSTAND AND GIVE SOMONE A CHANCE OR ACCEPT THAT THEY HAVE "ISSUES" . AND TO THESE PEOPLE I SAY TO YOU THAT YOU INFACT ARE THE LAZY ONES! YOU ARE THE ONES NOT WILLING TO BUDGE AN INCH AND WORK ON YOUR STUBBORN, OLD FASHIONED, SET IN YOUR  MIND, TYPE OF THINKING! WHEN PEOPLE LIKE MYSELF AND SO MANY OTHERS IN REAL LIFE, ON THIS SITE, OR WHEREVER THEY MAY BE, ACTUALLY FIGHT EVERYDAY TO CHANGE OUR STYLE OF THINKING AND IMPROVE OUR QUALITY OF LIFE DESPITE ALL OF THE MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES WE STRUGGLE WITH. i ASK YOU…COULD YOU GO TO WORK, GET UP IN THE  MORNING, RUN YOUR LIFE, ETC., IF YOU WANTED TO SERIOUSLY KILL YOURSELF EVERYDAY, IF THE THOUGHT NAGGED DAILY AT YOU ALMOST TEASING YOU? COULD YOU HANDLE THE INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS, PANIC ATTACKS,  NIGHTMARES, PTSD, SELF HARMING, OVERWHELMING FEAR. DEPRESSION, ETC? THAT PEOPLE LIKE US FACE ON A DAILY BASIS? YEA….DIDN\'T THINK SO! MAYBE ISNTEAD OF PUSHING PEOPLE AWAY, YOU COULD BE ROLE MODELS TO THESE TYPES OF PEOPLE, SHOW THEM HOW TO HANDLE LIFE, MAYBE THAT IS SOMETHING THEY HAVE BEEN MISSING ALL THEIR LIVES…A ROLE MODEL, SOMEONE TO ENCOURAGE (NOT HURT THEM), SOMEONE TO SHOW THEM HOW TO BE STRONG, OFFER ADVICE AND SO ON. MAYBE YOU COULD ACTUALLY BE DOING MORE GOOD THAN HARM. I GUESS THE QUESTION COMES DOWN TO THIS…WOULD YOU BE WILLING TO ACCEPT THAT MAYBE YOU ARE WRONG SOMETIMES AND FACE THE FACT THAT MENTAL ILLNESS  IS ALL TO REAL? OR WILL IT TAKE THE SCARS, PAIN, OR EVEN DEATH OF SOMEONE YOU KNOW BEFORE YOU REALIZE? WOULD YOU EVEN REALIZE THEN?"

I have been needing to get that off of my chest for years! it felt good to because i have been affected so deeply by what other peoples opinions were of me, especially when i started to recieve soc. sec. around a year ago. i was so embarrased and ashamed of myself b/c i felt weak minded. and yea i was able to build my confidence by being strong and never giving in no matter how hard i had to struggle or work. unfortunately y confidence has sunk again, but maybe by digging deep, never losing faith in myself or those i love, etc. i can build myself back up. i have started to do a good bit of "homework" in the anxiety/ocd class i am taking, and i can\'t stop there, i have many more obstacles to face, and i must face them head on…and somehow i wil find a way. i always do.

I also have to thank Alana(who by the way i am extremely proud of) for her unwaivering support of me. Things have been difficult for both of us! Yet we stay strong for eachother! I may have no real freinds, but i have something of so much more value…I am truly loved by another and i have true feeling of love for her, and that in itself helps to fuel my motivation, don\'t get me twisted though, real freinds would be nice…