If there were any questions in my mind regarding my sanity…..
Last week was pretty rough for me. I went in to a period of “mourning” “sadness” I don’t know. It lasted from Tuesday- Friday. I felt completely different by Saturday. I was just sorry for my self last week, I can’t really explain why. There were a number of things on my mind however.
My sister and I planned a trip to Canada to visit my cousin. She hasn’t seen us in a few years. It’s amazing how the years seem to just creep up. I had lost my previous Passport so the process of getting a new one would take longer. We were supposed to leave this week. I’m not getting my new passport till mid September. I haven’t spoken to her since. I feel like she is incredibly disappointed in me and I can’t handle that. I’d rather not talk to anyone, than to feel the pressure that I disappointed them, because I would be far harder on my self than they would on me. It was my fault that I hadn’t applied for a passport earlier. I was just so busy thinking about everything else in my life that the passport was the last thing on my mind. I told my sister as soon as we get it, we will just go for the weekend. Not planned. No room for error right?
I was also feeling, last week…Great distance from a friend. I call her my best friend but I have to redefine what a best friend means to me. There are things about me that I haven’t told her.. Mainly because I now realize, I don’t think she would, can listen. I resented her for that for a while. Maybe she can’t listen. She has her own problems. Maybe it’s unfair that I put my life in the hands of others. Maybe it’s unfair that I try to tie her life in to mine. That I try to make her my backbone because mine seems to be crooked. Back in the day I was one phone call away from doing something I would regret. If I couldn’t reach anyone…Anyone to validate my existence. To validate my worthiness, my life …I would convince myself that I had no one. I was really good at convincing my self that. And last week, it was just such a bad week. I felt pain and boredom and loneliness and guilt nonstop. I TRULY FELT life was meaning less. And then I woke up Saturday Morning as if the past few days were nothing but a dream. Saturday I was full of energy, talking non-stop. Like a new person. Today I’m back to my usually self. I had a heart to heart with a friend on Saturday.
I told her that sometimes I can’t control my emotions. Sometimes I get overly upset over things that others would see as trivial. And then we brought up Connecticut.
A few months ago I went to Connecticut with My sister and a friend. Let’s call her Madame X. I always say that I have low tolerance with alcohol. (It’s a warning for my friends in case I have one too many they would be good enough to stop me. Reason for this is a few Halloweens back I went to a party and drank anything that was in front of me. I ended up “flowing up” at some train station in Brooklyn, at 14th street in the city, and passing out on my friend’s spare bed. I woke up with vomit on my favorite shoes and costume. I had only one contact in, and lets not talk about my hair. I ended up having to borrow her clothes. I’m a BBW, playing the field between sizes 22 and 24. My friend was a 14- 16. I wear a size 11 1/2 w shoe. I borrowed size 10. I was grateful for all her help, but it shamed me to walk home looking like I just went from Bruce to the Incredible Hulk. ) Back to CT.
Any who, I was loud at outside a party My sister, Madame X and I attended in CT. I was told so from my sister and Madame X. I felt like they were ganging up on me. I felt that if I was so annoying, I should just leave; they didn’t want me to be there. I hated attitudes. So I decided to leave. However, I was in the middle of nowhere. In what seems to be a forest. At 1 am. I wanted to walk to the Train station and go home but transportation isn’t like New York’s. People actually sleep in Connecticut. Long story short, I stormed off and isolated my self. I called a friend. But I honestly can’t remember what I talked to her about.
We brought up Connecticut because we agree that I had gone completely batty. I had confused everyone, including myself. I don’t really know why I got so upset. My counselor tells me that I redirect my frustrations with real problems to other things. I once nearly broke down in tears when I lost my favorite pen during a staff meeting at work. I was working with similar emotions that one would evoke during a funeral…Over a 79 cent pen.
The more I talk about myself to my friends, the more safe I feel. I do fear abandonment, but at least I know in times like last week I’m really not alone. I just have to remind my self that. I’m trying so hard not to repeat the mistakes I’ve made in the past. I’m trying not to lose my cool and completely break down. On days like these I know that I have a life. I know how much I love life and how much I love to laugh. I know that I would have dozens and dozens of day’s life last week. But right now I’m gravy.
Saturday I went to a friends baby shower with my sister and Madame X. Long story short, my sister and I got in to an argument outside and I ended up leaving with Madame X. This time I felt so wrong about leaving. I felt like I was abandoning her. But I knew if I stayed I would have thrown my left shoe at her. I called a friend, (same friend I always call). Let’s call her Madame Y. I WANTED to sleep over her house, but she had family over and had to work early the next morning. So I thought, I would just go home then and we planned a sleep over for the week after. Whilst at the bus stop I asked Madame X if she wanted to go to Murray Street. Murray Street is my favorite Bar/ Grill right by City Hall. She agreed, and off we went. Once we got there (around 12:30 am) the bar was closed. I was a little disappointed but I thought, we could just check out another bar in the neighborhood. I’ve never been to any other bar around there. The few we peeped in to was stacked with people and we didn’t really like the scene. It was very corporate type. Guys in khakis and suits, ladies in mini skirts and pounds of makeup. We wanted to go someone more down to earth and welcoming. So we ended up in the West Village. It rocked the moment we left the station. We peeped in a few bars but they were very full. I saw one that seemed cool, but I was nervous to go in. Next door there was a gay bar with very dim lights. I told Madame X we could start here and get comfortable then move on to another one. Once I walked in I knew we would be spending some time there.
I mean, the bartender was soo cute! He was incredibly nice. The music was good. The bathroom was immaculate and crowd seemed welcoming. The first thing I saw when I walked in to the bar was two mean damn near naked making out wearing a leather costume. It was great! I felt like a girl form Idaho who just ridden the A train for the first time. I only had two drinks. First was my staple Sprit and Vodka. Then I went bold. Our eyes were attracted to this mysterious Pink Substance with the mark X on the front of it. I asked the bartender what it was. He read it out to be some fruity mix of some sort. Apparently it had citrus, orange something, berries and mango fusion something something.. it was suppose to be French.. Lol. I said what the heck. And we both agreed our concoction would taste great with 7 up. I shit you not when I say it tasted like an old Table cloth. After the bar we went for food. Of course the village will have food options at 2:30 am! We opted for pizza and called it a night. I had lots of fun. The pizza was really good.
This blog is far to long. Apologies.
Oh, and I freaking love TRU blood I will have caught up with the entire show by this week. I was told that another episode wouldn’t air till spring. During the shows break I will read the Sookie Stackhouse books! BUT MY NUMBER one love is still Supernatural. Sep 10th mofo! I feel like I’m cheating on Dean and Castiel with Bill and Terry and Jason and Eric and Sam from Tru Blood. J Dean and Castiel reigns supreme over all!
Till next time,