i have never used this before and haven’t got the patience to read how it works so i’ll just have a bit of a rant and see if it helps :o)

it seems i have always been depressed i had a fairly pants childhood (parents always arguing, v bad relationship with my dad etc etc). i hgave recently had a baby well she’s 11 1/2 months now. she’s gorgeous and i do really adore her. i have been on peroxetine for a while now as i had v bad post natal depression and now i’m starting to come off them. am down to 5mg per day.

the thing is i’m having real trouble sleeping, when i do sleep i have really horrible dreams about rats crawling over me (i hate rats, scared s**tless of them) and having v disturbing dreams about things. it’s v hard to write this but i had a dream that i didn’t want to have sex with my husband but had sex with my daughter. was really horrible and frreaked me out completely. my dreams and thoughts are so graphic and realistic in one sense but then i know they’re not real at the same time.

i also have these little day dream/fantasy type things were i imagine all sorts of horrible things happening, car crashes, my husband or baby dying, me dying. it’s really nasty and upsetting. i sometimes find it really hard to go out or drive as i get so worried. for ages i couldn’t take my baby out for a walk when she was first born as i thought someone would hurt her. the main thought i have nowadays is that i’m a complete failure, no good at anything, fat, unattractive and whatever i do something bad will happen.

thinking it through on a good day it seems completely stupid and i have no idea why i get into a state about such silly things but other days i’m consumed by them and want to sit down and cry.

i wish i could stop the horrible dreams and day dreams as they are really getting me down. i dwell on the horrible dreams during the day and can’t get them out of my mind, even when i’m distracted with other things. i can’t seem to stop the negative thoughts when they come in my head and have to play through the fantasy in my mind, which more often than not is just not a helpful thing to do.

 

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