I have been pretty well for the passed week, although something has been bothering me for a couple days and it's unfortunately causing me anxiety.  Most of you know that I had to quit my job early January because of my anxiety. Although I still attend college which is great. But the other night, my step dad was sitting at the table and he kept telling me on what jobs are hiring right now. It made me feel awful because I am not ready to go back to work. When I even think about the word work, I get frustrated, upset, a little insecure. I feel bad because I want to go back to work so bad, but I am so scared that I am going to take two steps backwards and fall back into depression.  Before I quit my job, I was using work as a security blanket because of the loss of my grandparents. I didn't know how to mourn for them, so when I felt upset or angry or sad, I would over work myself…to the point where I completely broke down, and now work scares me because I feel that that's a bad place to be. I know that it's not and I have been working with my therapist, and he told me that work is not in the cards right now. And told me to just keep focused with school, which I totally am.

I took it the wrong way of what my step dad was saying. There has been friction in the house… I thought that he was saying that I need to work because he's tired of seeing me home, but that's not the case at all. I always feel bad when I am not working, but my mom, my dad, everyone in my family and friends are very supportive and they tell me to just be in school, it's such a great investment and all of them believe I shouldn't work at this time until I am ready. I understand them, but lately the thoughts of what my step dad said about bringing up the topic of work has been bothering me alot. The thoughts are racing through my head and it brings up the times when I was working and how bad I felt and how depressed I was. I want to get that out of my head because I need to know that that's not going to happen again, and if it does, I want to be sure that I can try to control it as much as possible. I have come a long ways of controlling my panic and anxiety so far, and I don't want to go backwards. I am just venting right now, because it made me mad when he brought up that topic. When I spoke to my mom about it, she said that he mentioned about getting a job, thinking that I would feel better. Ha! I told my mom that that's what brought on my anxiety in the first place, and until I am ready to go back to work, I am just going to stay focused on bettering myself, and staying focused with school.  Ugh. In conclusion, I just want to say that I hate obsessive thoughts. Grrrrr.