I’m Tracy, thats one thing i know for sure about myself. I’m 30 years old. I’m sure about that. Those are facts. I’m an only child. Fact. I was planned and loved from the moment it was discovered that i would be entering this world. Loving, hardworking, compassionate and caring. My maternal grandparents who owned a florist in Brooklyn and lived in Long Island NY were there all the time. Always with hugs and love and affection and all of their hearts. They made me feel normal in a world i suddenly didn’t fit into at the age of 2 1/2.

on vacation in Myrtle Beach SC, in 1993, with parents and grandparents by my side, I was diagnosed with juvenile type one diabetes. Everyone took turns sleeping in the hospital room. My father had to learn to be my personal endocrinologist very quickly. My mother had to learn how to protect me very quickly, she also had a nervous breakdown. My grandparents did everything possible to make me feel good, make me smile and feel good and loved. I still have the little stuffed fish my grandpa got me at the hospital gift shop..

But, as assumed, my entire life took a turn into constant fear, constant terror, needles, finger pricks, can’t eat a peppermint without dad’s approval. I was terrified, I knew this was permanent. Nursery school, pre-k, anywhere my mom would have to leave me i cried and screamed, which is normal for some children but I wasn’t just crying because mom was leaving…. I was SCARED..what if i had a low? What if my numbers were high? What if i needed insulin? How am i going to get through this day without my safety nets and the parents who knew exactly what to do. I don’t believe they understood exactly how traumatizing it was for me to be without them and left to my own anxiety and terrors. 

My inner child is a little girl full of fear and knowing she was different and would never have a “normal” day. She is terrified. I made my dream career to be a diabetes educator in the hospital. I wanted to be right there for newly diagnosed kids, I wanted to tell them its going to be okay!!!! Adult Tracy never took little Tracy’s hand and told herself it would be okay. I didnt see it or feel it but i wanted others to come into this disease with more ease and someone with the experience.

I believe 90% of my mental health issues started here. Followed by school, and a chain of events and trauma that is causing my adult self to suffer immensely. 

Part 2 will cover my school life/home life/& progression of codependency and anxiety as I entered a bigger picture of life. But hey, at least I made it to 30. With my diabetes and anxiety and everything else. Here I am. Not bitter, not in a pity party, I’m here in this group still fighting to overcome the fear of being alone, depending on others for my happiness and of course my own personal hell and demon – anxiety.

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