I lie awake, restless like this on most nights. The days seem to mask and jade my emotions but the night lets things run clear and slowly my repressed anger reanimates.
I hate you because you made me this. I hate you for giving me more pain than I imagined was possible for a human being. I hate you for turning my view of the world upside down. I hate that you call yourself my friends. I hate your moderate pit/sympathy lacking true empathy. I hate that you go about your daily life never thinking about me. I hate that you don’t think you did nothing wrong. I hate that none of you stuck up for me. I hate that you blocked me out. I hate that you blamed everything on me, you are such liars even though you’d never admit that to yourselves. I hate you for representing me as the only one of our group to have any problems. I hate you all for judging me more than everyone else.
I remember when I let you all gang up and tell me all the things about myself that were bad, all the actions in our year and a half of friendship that you didn’t like. I let you all rip me apart, humiliate me, call me a bad person. That was the day before break and I remember so clearly a week later, when I came back feeling so scared and alone coming back. I was sick over coming back, shaking intensely as I stepped off the elevator. After ripping me apart before break, destroying me, you knew I was in really bad condition, but that didn’t stop you from making fun of me, calling me an idiot and just generally degrading me as a person (as if I wasn’t already doing that to myself with depression). I overheard you and spent the worst ten minutes of my life hearing you get pleasure from this. When I got the guts to come over and confront you , you didn’t apologize, you just gave me more reasons as to why I was bad, how I hadn’t changed. IT HAD BEEN A WEEK. I know you will never have to deal with what I had to go to and I hate you for it, that you will always be accepted by those you care about. I never thought that someone I could be friends with would do that and then not feel the need to apologize..Instead…it’s like you blamed me.
I had to leave for class and I cried the whole way through it and didn’t come back to the dorm till 9. How could I? Literally none of you supported me, there was no friendly face for me to look at. I called my mother and cried, I talked about transfering. When I got back, you apologized to me but part of me wonders if your recant on your previous stance was just because you realized that your actions looked bad to everyone else and you wanted to keep your good girl image.
I didn’t always feel this anger, at school I blocked it out just to exsist, to conicide with the people who hurt me. Coming home, everthing gets replayed over and over again in my head. I don’t live with them anymore, or even see them so I have less of a reason to make excuses for the past. The past few weeks my anger has grown.
What is my reprisal? How do I get this off my back? I cannot just accept it…I’ve tried. But at the same time I could never impart even a third of my feelings to those who’ve hurt me. They would not accept anything. I need to find and outlet to find satisfaction, but I have none. Therapy is not the answer, it does nothing for me.
Right now, I feel so degraded and rejected. I suppose I’ll hate this blog in the morning when I wake up and read it. It will make me look vindictive, petty and hateful but I have never really been able to express my feelings, so regardless I will write them down.