I have this annoying yet real problem. I mean Im an adult capable an aware. I know my feels and I know normal behavior. Some how I ended up having mixed feelings about how I want to live my life. I have no kids but I’m not sure if i want them I say that because my time is running out. I just want it to be with someone who will truly love me. I don’t know what that means but i feel it.

The other day I had the guy who ive been meeting up with once a month contact me more than normal. This has been going on for the past 5 months. I thought okay we aren’t anything serious. We use each other to get our dose of close contact intimacy if you know what I mean. I like the no attachment, no feelings thing. However this past weekend he put out more than usual. He face timed me and then he called me, then he met up with me. At one point me he was hugging me, he rested his head on my shoulder, he would breath and I would feel it on my neck. I felt so fuzzy and comfortable. He even asked me to go with him back to work for a while. I don’t know what that means.

I like how I feel in the moment but every time I’m by myself I tell myself its just for fun. Is this guy really someone I can see myself with? My thoughts? Probably not. Thats my answer every time. Will this person help me grow? Would they be able to match my ambition? Will they tell me no if I try to reach for something that is different? I don’t ever want to be told no again just because it didn’t fit in someones agenda.

Morally I don’t know what this guy brings to the table. He doesn’t exactly scream reliable. But ive liked this guy since I was 16. That is my own red flag that I am waving. Not going to say I love him or anything but I don’t want to think about how much I might become attached if he shows me more kindness. I will eventually have to cut him off. Even though I really don’t want too.