I’m hopeless. I need to try to find a new psychiatrist because the one I was seeing is an ass. I had an appointment with him earlier this week but cancelled it because I didn’t want to deal with the pissy attitude he was going to give me for not taking the MAOI patch he prescribed. I don’t know why he was pushing me so hard to try it and that in its self scared me away from wanting it, not to mention all of the other side effects and worries I had with it. The MAOI patch is a last resort and I don’t think I’m at the ‘last resort’ stage. I feel that there has to be other methods to try first. But then I start thinking, I do not really want to go see another doctor. I’m tired. I’m tired of talking about the same shit every time…I’m tired of being analyzed. I’m tired of failed medications. Nothings worked yet and I feel nothing is GOING to work. I was looking at psychiatrists in my area and I could feel my heart sink, I hate it. I hate that I have to do this, I hate that I have to even look for a doctor for this reason. I want to just be sane…I want to not need some chemical in my body to keep me from escalating. Psychiatrists are just pompous, arrogant people who look at people like me as sad lil guinea pigs. I’m tired of it. I don’t want to see a therapist; I don’t wanna talk about things over and over and over again. I am sick of all the self analyzing. Where has it gotten me…no where. Here I am…years after therapy and counselors. I’m no better now. I am who I am…talking about the shit my dad did and the crap I dealt with growing up isn’t really going to make it go away, I already understand what happened. I already do not forgive or forget what he did. I do not have a relationship with him now and nor will I ever in the future. The whole situation is dead to me. Case closed…move on. I know that the past makes up who you are in life but not everything that happened back then fucked me up. I think I need to look at my life from where I am today and move forward…stop digging up past shit and stop throwing it in my face. What’s done is done and I want to move forward. Anyways.

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