Being a teenager sucks. I know I am a freshman, but nonetheless, it is still difficult with puberty and high school and whatnot. So, since I really can’t vent anywhere else I might as well do so here. A lot of it may be extremely stupid or me overreacting, so I’m sorry if a lot of what I vent about is really cringy >~<.
This past week has been extremely crappy. It’s like every day I’m reminded of how much of a disappointment I am. Not only have I been failing classes, getting C’s on tests, but I didn’t even make it into fencing Varsity, and even my colleague that has god awful form and technique got in. Constantly, I’m reminded of how much better my friends, cousins, and siblings are doing and I just feel so… left behind? The worst part about it is that it’s all my fault in the first place and I hate it. I hate myself for not studying enough I hate myself for not practicing enough and I hate myself for getting my side hobbies in the way of what I should be doing in life to succeed. So really, I can’t whine and complain about it in the first place.
I do in fact have friends I can talk to including my school psychologist. However, that support has been not very helpful., The Psychologist is almost never in her office, the friend I rely on for guidance is always busy, and my other close friend just doesn’t support me a lot these days.
My close friend (let’ just use the name Sabrina bc I don’t wanna use her real name) does have it worse than me, and is on a higher level, of depression, I guess. She almost attempted suicide and I talked her out of it. However, she has been really bad at helping me. even today, I vented to her like normal and all I got for a response is “You think that’s bad? I was on the verge, Jill. I had the noose and everything! I had a breakup and we didn’t even stay friends. I study almost all the time and still get panicky during tests, and don’t think I don’t get scolded too! I get scolded a lot and get threatened to be disowned! So don’t get upset over a few bad grades.” Now I completely understand Sabrina’s situation. She DOES have it worse than me. But she of all people should have understood how I felt. I know people have it worse than me I know a lot of people contemplate or attempt suicide but, the way she worded it made me feel like I shouldn’t be sad, like I don’t deserve to be sad She talked to me like I chose to be like this and now I’m just more angry at myself for feeling so bad and also mad that I put aside my emotion.
Even so, I have a friend studying psychology and hoping to become a therapist herself. I knew I could count on her but my passive self couldn’t bring myself to go to her because Sabrina was already keeping her busy. I didn’t want to disrupt her because Sabrina was panicking and I also regret that. These past two weeks, really have just been me doing stupid things and regretting it later on.
Welp, I guess this vent is over. Uh, I probably am gonna do more of these when I need to. If you made this far I’m sorry that you had to read that but I thank you that you did :’)