If you knew my mother the way I know her this is what you would feel, experience and see.

She loves to guilt you into taking care of her. She loves to cry to get her way. She will say hurtful things to you for years. She can ignore you when you succeed in something and down play it like anyone can do it. She will lie to you about needing money. She will spend all her money on useless things and then beg you to pay her electric bill. She will complain about laundry but really it’s all her clothes because everyone else only does their own laundry. She will cook a great meal that no one asked for and bitch about the dishes and how ungrateful everyone is because she cooked for everyone. She will sigh loudly whenever she doing some kind of core as if owning a home is suppose to clean its self. She will do clean then slam doors, cabinets and push chairs around loudly to let you know she is doing something she doesn’t want to do. She will pretend to love you when other people notice how well behaved you are. She will in public talk about how proud she is of you but behind close doors tell you that you need to get your shit together. She will secretly hate you because you don’t want kids and will never marry. She will secretly be jealous of you and ignore you when you dress up to feel good about yourself.

Some mothers know that taking care of your children is their responsibility, it’s a choice they made when they obviously had sex. It’s a job and role you take on because you made that decision. You can’t force your children to love you unless you show them love, you can’t expect your kids to respect you when you don’t even respect them or even yourself. You can’t expect your children to care about you when you barely cared about them when you were raising them. You can’t just throw a tantrum about killing yourself just because your kids are adults now and don’t even like being around you. You literally yell at the top of your lungs when you want something or someone to come to you. You raise your voice when you don’t like something. You bark orders around as if we are dogs and not your children.

So Dear mom,

I have tried to fix these emotions about you. I have tried to love you the best I could but every time I feel like I can or I do, you ruin it. With taking advantage of me, guilting me, judging me, ignoring me, and belittling my success. I have tried. Over and over again I fight this feeling that you will wake up. I had hoped you would change but the older I get I realize all of your life was your choices. Choices to date horrible men and let them treat you the way they did. Give birth to children to trap men, or for money and not because you wanted us. You didn’t pursue any career because you were lazy. You don’t like saving money or using your money for anything in the future. You down play you daughters accomplishments and celebrate your sons achievements more. You bitch and moan about your health but in truth you never took care of yourself. You’re angry when no one wants to be there for you because you in truth are a horrible  parent. You left us with random people to go do what you wanted so we hardly have an emotional connection to you. You use your incompetence to avoid actions, conversations and taking responsibility. I don’t know how I will feel if I ever lost you. If anything I want to be away from you.