This is long:

I have gone through and am going through a lot unfortunately. I have lived with my ex boyfriend for a long time. We were together a lot of that time too,though and on and off. Plenty of the time,we weren’t officially together but acted like a couple and it wasn’t ever fully over before overall in a way since we always went back to the more than friend thing. We’ve had way too many problems for way too long. We had some problems but got better,and then a little over a week ago,I was hospitalized for the first time in my 38 years. It was just a Saturday night-Monday morning and it was over some GI bleeding. I am okay regarding that now. Hopefully it stays that way. My ex was there almost the whole time with me in the hospital. Days after I was home,we had a argument. I was touchy maybe because of the meds. My body had been through a lot,too though even though it was for a short time. I didn’t get to eat much in the hospital and well,I had been in the hospital. But anyway,I had told him he had lied to me. I guess he hadn’t but he yelled at me over that and I didn’t think he should have,especially since I had just got out of the hospital. We got through that,though. But a few nights ago,we had another argument and this was the beginning of current issues or whatever with us.

I thought that he was upset that night because one of his favorite singers or the lead singer of his favorite band killed himself,and because of the pain he was in. But he was sad to the point he cried because of the pain one of the guys band members felt-he had listened to a song he wrote about his bandmate who had committed suicide. Him being sad over this was a trigger for me because there have been different times where he wasn’t there when I was suicidal and/or was a ass. He tried talking sometimes in the past,but over and over,he also wasn’t always there or trying to be. He mentioned some reasons that he wasn’t there over time but he didn’t include them all. He didn’t include times I am not yelling or namecalling{because he has stated those as reasons he hasn’t been there different times}, and he still isn’t trying to be there. He didn’t mention it because he thought it would make me mad. But it’s not like I forgot about it. So I simply was trying to not let him get away with not mentioning that. But he wasn’t owning up to it,and I thought he wasnt actually being nice or cooperative. I do not remember everything. But a fight started after that. He said I yelled and demeaned him,etc. I do have a anger problem and honestly,he does not help it to say the least. Even though one doesn’t have to yell or name call,if he had owned up to what I was saying at least, a problem or fight wouldn’t have happened. So I see it as that he started things. He thought I did but he doesn’t remember the beginning.

That night,he called me a psycho bitch after he took a knife from me because I was suicidal or talking suicide. Obviously its not okay or helpful for him to call me names,and I think it was even worse for him to call me names at a time like that. But he doesn’t think it is worse to call someone names when they are suicidal as opposed to when they are not suicidal. So I don’t know how I can deal anyway with someone who thinks that way. And he called me a bitch a different time. So,I have yelled at him and called him names a lot over the years. I get horrible sometimes when I am mad. Right or wrong,and I am not saying it is right,I do understand that he has a role in my anger,too. But because I have yelled and called him names so much for so long,he hasn’t wanted to hardly talk for days. And that is making things even worse for me. Earlier tonight,he wouldn’t even give me a reason for not wanting to talk. He just said he didn’t want to. I don’t think  it is fully right for him to just hardly talk to me about issues when I feel he started or kind of started things the other night and he was horrible,too. He thinks that I was worse because I yelled,etc. longer. I thought he was worse for calling me names while I was thinking of suicide. He thinks name calling is just all bad regardless of whether or not a person is suicidal. He was horrible too as I said,but he hardly wants to talk. And he doesn’t discuss certain things,he just disagrees. His not talking makes me feel worse. But he doesn’t think he is doing anything to me when he wont talk. He was the last person I had here. I do not currently have friends,and my family is over 2,000 miles away. I can’t afford to move away from him yet at least either in case anyone mentions me leaving. I am barely working atm and am seeking a better paying job. I also can’t drive my car right now because I couldn’t afford to keep the insurance. Times are pretty bad.

Anyway,back to problems with my ex… what do you guys think of the fact that he won’t talk to me hardly about problems even though he did some horrible things,too? He also promised me he would be there when I am suicidal and talk to me when I am like that. But he has broken that promise and he said things change for this last time…. The other night,I got like I do not normally get. I was maybe feeling anxiety. And I also was freaking out at one point,looking for something to kill myself with. And he sat there cleaning his tablet and only talking about me yelling at him. Later,he said he didn’t know I was looking for something to kill myself with. He says he can block me out sometimes. He gets a little or more than a little sociopathic like in some ways and he doesn’t care then. He has barely cared for days. But even after he learned that I was in that state,and he was doing nothing,just concerned about me yelling at him and just cleaning his tablet,he didn’t think it was awful.