this morning I think i did ok. I had a hard time getting up, surges of emotion and thoughs came over me but I was able to get through them and they didnt last long but they were frequent. I was able to wash the dishes with out the urge to cut myself. I had some breakfast did some research on TMG and the link between BC and depression. Im glad that im taking the TMG and I didnt find anything out about the BC just that smoking couldnt of helped my situation with the depression. I learned that I need to protect my liver because thats where the toxins build up that can have a negative effect with depression.  The day went on and I hate my sister. I feel she asks too much from me. Its always can you do me a favor? that really irratates me. I played the piano todaym opened the text book for the piano class and started reading it. Then something clicked im not sure what it is. I dont talk to who ever is around me which is my family, i dont want to talk to them but it makes me sad and lonely its a fucked up feeling. I just have nothing to say to them. or to anyone so im just alone. I did somethinking today about how my parents did a lot of things for my sister while she was my age and that i feel i was pushed aside at this time in my life. Like for college and just my education in general. My sister went to a private school and i didnt, they supported her with sports and stuff they didnt do that for me, they helped her with college and they went up with her to check out the school, they didnt do that for me, and now im just left alone again because my sister had kids and now my parents already did the whole college thing with my sister and now they are happy to be taking care of the babies because they havnt done it in 20 years or so. So i feel really left out on like social skills and street smart skills. I dont know that if they supported me more if that would have made a difference or showed more interest in me getting a good education. I dont know i just know that those are the things that make me sad. Im always watching my sisters kids. I honesly cant stand kids. Not when I am like this. I have bad thoughts but I do my best and its what I can do so i try to do my best try to hold it together. But im falling apart. I really have no drive in my life or anyone that I feel i can talk to. I dont have much friends that I feel comfortable going out with or hanging out with or spending time with. I feel so alone and hurt im scared and I cant die but no one sees where I am at. alone scared. but i cant die. I hate everything right now. I know there is a third option to like make it on my own do it on mmy own i dont know why i have to have there attention or support or approval its so fucking stupid. i wisht hat i could just say fuck you and forget about it. I guess i just want someone to really notice me? what ever. LIfe is bullshit. I wish i were dead.