I've been thinking about this for just a little bit. I've been working on my bad habits, bad habits that are personal to me alone, so that I can get better and maybe not poison my baby with them. One of the big ways that I can tell it's a "bad day" is that I am overly-critical. Not of other people, but of myself. No matter how much I do it isn't enough, everything I do is horrible and stupid. And I find it hard to step back and tell myself, sincerely, that I am a good mother, that I am a good wife, that I do keep a good house (even if the dishes pile up now and then) and that I am doing well in school (even if I feel like I'm struggling).

Whenever these thoughts start invading my mind, I always wonder just when and how they got there. I look at my house and try to work up the energy to clean it up just a little bit more (which is the other way I know it's a "bad day", when I have no energy to do anything). I stare helplessly at the pile of homework I have to do (mostly reading, which is why it's a "pile") thinking to myself that I'm going to fail, so why bother trying? I had my son almost a year and a half ago, and I've been working out since Christmas. I know that there are "trouble areas" where it is harder to lose the weight or tighten up the loose skin but I am almost to the point that I don't look in the mirror, because the sight of my tummy makes me want to fall to the floor crying. And I'm skinny. I've always been pushed to be better: in school, in my appearance, in my personal life, in my chores. But when did the little voice in the back of my head develop saying that I'm never good enough and no matter what I do, I never will be?

I don't want to pass these habits onto my son. I know that depression is genetic (both sides of my family have a history of it), but I think that some of it is also how we look at ourselves, how our families taught us to look at ourself and the friends that we have. So now I have to try to un-teach myself my bad habits, so that I can be a positive, uplifting influence for my son and any future children that I have. If I have a daughter in the future I don't want to pass on my body issues to her, I don't want to pass on my feelings of stupidity to my son. My husband and I both have attitudes of putting ourselves down, and it needs to end now. Before our child(ren) is old enough to learn it.

I just hope it isn't already too late.


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