Hello guys, it's been many months or even a year since I've wrote here last time. I have been doing alright, I guess. I finally managed to change my doctor and I'm glad I made a better choice. Interaction with her and I are better than with my previous one. She actually listens and concerns about me. I like that.

I decided to come back, actually just automatically typed ocdtribe on an address bar, and write a blog again because I am in total confusion at the moment.

I am dating this guy from another country and we are doing a long distance relationship. It's tough, I've realised. Good thing is he has OCD, too but he was never on medication. We got to understand each other very well surprisingly and incredibly. The problem is, we talked about meeting each other this June, it's not like I am scared, it's matter of finance. I have to fly because he can't due to airplane phobia. I don't mind flying but I'm a student so I don't have enough money but he'll help me so that's not a problem but my family is unpleasant about me going because guys should do first? and I'm basically persuaded by mom when I speak to her and then change mind when I speak to my boyfriend. It's so frustrating to see my boyfriend gets frustrated. I feel like he's going to abandon me like a trash on a cold street and I can't take that. We've developed our feelings too far to just end it like that.

I've told about this to my psychiatrist as well. But it's something I need to decide and it's making me so panicked. I cannot do a thing, I cannot focus on things that I am supposed to do. And the fact that I am dealing with self-hatred is irritating cuz it comes back and bothers me, tells me that I am not good enough and that I do not deserve anything GOOD.

I've read several comments that some of you guys left that you guys don't experience self-loathing which was quite shocking to me because it was always with me and I do not know how to handle it nicely. I do not know what other factors that causes self-loathing. I feel like it is causing worse OCD or OCD is causing worse self-loathing.

I will speak to my doctor this Friday but until then, please help me out. Share your opinions, I really need that!

Thank you x