Not gonna lie…. I’ve had way harder weeks than this one sadly, but this one has been one of the worst. Monday was okay and I was happy because it’s the last week of school for me. I went to school and it was a normal boring day, but when my last class science started my friend kept bugging me asking me things like hey hey! Are you gay!? Are you Bi!? Like it was a joke but I guess he knew, not only that but he asked that in front of everyone. He was the only one I didn’t want to know because of this reason. He made of fun of lgbt kids like me and I didn’t want to be a laughing stock for him. I didn’t think much of it and ignored him till I got home. Tuesday I went to school again and thought that it would be another normal day, when we had break (recess) I was talking to two of my friends who knew about me and all of a sudden he came over with this other kid who always rude and making fun of people and they asked me again “Hey do you like boys!?” “Are you really gay!?” I walked away and I broke down in front of 6 7 and 8th graders. I started to cry into my friends shoulder and then More of my friend came over. They all asked what was wrong and I just sat there crying. The thing is that wasn’t the worst part… my sister came over and someone told her what happened, I knew she was going to tell my mother who I didn’t want knowing about me, but I couldn’t do anything, It felt so pointless. Sure enough when we got picked up she told her and my mother flipped, I had to deny me being bi and about what happened which was hard. When I got home my mom looked at me in a disgusted look and told me that I was nasty and disgusting. I asked her why and she told me “How are you going to go around and say your Bi!?” At that moment I just couldn’t do it anymore, I denied it once again and I just cried in my room. I felt so lonely and lost, I didn’t have anyone there to help me get through this. I couldn’t say anything and I didn’t want this to be my coming out story. Since then I just been quiet and to myself but my depression and anxiety has gotten so much worse. My mother and I are constantly getting into fights and I am constantly getting called a fag, gay boy, and worse. I feel like my home isn’t the safest place for me anymore.
I am much older than you, but went through a similar life growing up in a conservative home and trying not to disappoint my parents with my lifestyle. I knew I was a Lesbian when I was 12, probably before even that age. We love who we love and there really isn’t much we can do about it. Look around you at all the married people you know, all the couples in your school and think to yourself, do they really look happy? Oftentimes not because they settled or they think it is the best they can do. You are young, you have a whole big exciting life ahead of you and I know it sounds cliché, but that part gets better. You will find people just like you and you will make friends that don’t make fun of you. I had a crush on a girl in 8th grade and she made fun of me and called me names. After high school and college I moved out of my small hometown to Washington, D.C. years later I came back to help my father as he aged. I went to a gay bar one night with some friends and who was sitting at the bar? The woman who made fun of me in school. I called her out right then and there for something that happened 18 years before, in 8th grade. She told me she knew then, but didn’t want others to know and she apologized. She even asked me if I still felt the same way and I just smiled and said, no, I have a partner now and I am very happy. My very pretty partner walked up to her and I introduced them and 18 years just melted away and I was all smiles…because of all the truth that was in that moment. And though it took YEARS of my life, my father finally said to me….I know and I am okay with it…this was the same man that threatened to shoot me years before if he “ever found out I was gay.” If there is nothing else that an older person can tell you, they can tell you life is crazy, it chances quickly and when you are young, you make your own safe place and spaces…such as your choice to come here and Blog. I came here today, to this forum because I have very bad anxiety and depression…but reading your Blog…well it made me feel both a little less depressed and hopeful that you will find some support on here somewhere and grow up to be a happy and healthy adult. I thought when I was young my parents were the beginning and end of knowledge, now many years later…I know they were humans trying to make it themselves and just as frustrated and scared as I was.