It has been an age since I last posted. A number of my friends seem to have decamped—for sweeter meadows, I hope. Some of them, no doubt, are taking a break, as I just have.
This is an ambivalent return. On one side, there are several bright points of affection and gratitude (you know who you are, friends); on the other, there’s the indisputable evidence that DT brings me down. Part of this is a general Internet gripe—it’s just way too easy to burn up hours and hours loafing around on YouTube, BBC radio, blogs, etc etc—but some of it is more specific to the “Depression” thing. I’m not in denial about my black bloodedness, but I don’t want to keep giving it the oxygen of attention. There’s a great saying: “What the thinker thinks, the prover proves.” Alternately, “I’ll see it when I believe it.”
There’s way too thin a line between acknowledging one’s condition and reinforcing it. Frankly, I am bored as hell of depression, and am more and more convinced that identifying as “a depressive” will be the death of me.
Now and again, for the odd week or two, this works really well, and I break free—get excited about work, see people, take care of myself, and just generally feel glad to be alive. But then, inevitably, something in me stomps on the brakes, because “that life just isn’t for me.” It’s too scary, too promising, too big.
I’ve come to realize that fear and unworthiness, rather than just some vague bogey of “Depression,” are keeping me stuck.
This feels important, but doesn’t change the fact that I still am stuck, unable to maintain healthy momentum for any length of time. I’m done asking why (etiologies don’t interest me much anymore), and have moved on to how. How can I change the individual actions, responses, etc. that added together, make up a day? How can I increase the number of days that end with me lying in my bed, feeling satisfied and alive?
“Structure” and “accountability” seem to me good I hope to carve out a little bit of those here. Originally, I balked at the idea of blogging. Does anyone give a crap about my daily struggles? Do I expect them to? No and no again. And it doesn’t seem right to clog up the “Blogs” section of this site, where people in crisis should take priority. Yet, these days I just can’t motivate myself to write in my journal. If it’s just for me, it doesn’t seem to count. And yet, I don’t expect anything I write here to be for anyone other than me. Blimey.
I have even considered starting a DT Group for people trying to make over their lives one habit at a time. If anyone still reading this (!?) is interested in joining (!?!?), let me know and I’ll do it.
In the meantime, what needs to happen today:
* I haven’t exercised in four days, so I really ought to. Do I want to? Hell, no!
* It’s been almost as many days since I did any work on my dissertation (I let myself get way too sucked into my tutoring work…and my new season 4 disc of Magnum, p.i). This is seriously bad, as I have a big deadline in less than three weeks, and have to have the entire book finished by March.
* I have to try to take my vitamins today. All 12 of them, plus the fish oil, plus the CLA. I have been really sloppy about this lately, yet it makes a big difference. (Check out Truehope, folks.)
* This will be tough, since I am at my folks’, where there are treats everywhere, but I have to eat a cleaner diet today. (I bought a used copy of Wheat Belly this week, but couldn’t be bothered to do more than skim it, since it doesn’t seem to say anything I don’t already know. Gluten is the frikkin devil, an addictive devil.)
I will check in (with myself) later. I hope everyone has a good day.