idk what to do anymore. i really really really don’t understand what’s going on in my head and everything is driving me fucking insane. little things, like other people being happy all the time, and still other people being sad all the time… there’s so much pain. i can’t compare to that. i don’t have real problems. it’s not good enough.

i had a bad day yesterday. i haven’t cried like that in years. from the start i knew a lot of shit was gonna go wrong, and it all happened but then the hits kept coming. i didn’t think i was gonna get a lecture that i’m causing others pain and that i should either just spontaneously be ok or pretend to be ok.

it’s so frustrating. it’s maddening, being you’re least favorite person. it’s not like you can just fucking swap. i’m stuck with me. worthless old me.

and the most maddening part of all is that it’s not all just sadness. i have good emotions too. happiness. sometimes i can’t even control it, like when i talk to certain people. sometimes it’s similar to hypomania but it’s not. it’s not. it’s frustrating because if i’m actually in pain then why should that happen? maybe it’s just not that bad and im the problem. maybe most people could handle this better than me.

the good times cancel out the bad times and leave me nothing to show.

it’s not about the show though.

it’s about who i am.

i am my least favorite person.

i just wasted two minutes of your time.

i am sorry.

i am a burden and i am nothing else.

goodbye.