The breed suitable for my size and for the tasks I need for a service dog is an Australian Shepherd. It’ll push me to do better and feel better. Unfortunately my mom isn’t exactly mentally or physically well so she has said to me that we need to delay it. She wishes she could get me all the help I need but she can’t handle the stress. I’m very saddened. It really discourages me. It gives me something to strive for and live for.

But now it’s not.

For once I wanted to accomplish something basically on my own and by my own doing to better me.

I have so many things to say. . . So many emotions but devastation is probably the biggest one.

It’s all I can do to not think with numbed thoughts.

I’m trying so hard to stay strong and positive but its becoming harder and harder.

I wish I could step up and help my mom fix things.

I feel bad to push her because I know she constantly deals with such pain and difficulty but we both know it’s the only way to get things done.

I hate to even type those words. I don’t mean it in a mean way.

I can’t help but be selfish about getting a service dog though.

I’ll pray for strength and I’ll try to inspire myself to do better-feel better.

I wish I’d be able to sleep soundly.

Everything was bad and I wasn’t doing well.

I got worse with my anxiety and depression but it was a little better for a while since I started online schooling but it was reverted back to basically the same. Last year was a roller coaster with my mentalness. I’m realizing now that everything for me pretty much always has been a roller coaster. I fear the worst might come to me if I don’t push forward with this.

My first thought when my mom finished telling me that she couldn’t handle it and we need to wait about a year is suicide.

Not how, just the general thought of “Wow. That’s it then. I don’t think I can last much longer the way I am.”

I feel that it causes too much pain and stress for her. Might take her to an early grave, I don’t want that.

I know she feels strongly about this and most likely won’t change her mind. With holding off for a while.

But all I can do it hope. . .

Hope that tomorrow she will wake up feeling slightly better.

Hope that she wakes up and will be more positive and feel less anxiety.

All I can do it mindlessly eat my dinner and try to sleep with the hope that her opinion might change. . .