Hi there everyone,

So after having what I'm calling a massive nervous/mental "breakdown" the other morning. I had to actually get out of my house, and phone and my mum. I was crying so much with just pure terror. I couldn't fixate my rational mind on anything. I was in a strange dark trap of anxiety, I know that it must have been some sort of panic attack, but I wasn't concentrating on my physical symptoms, I think maybe because I am so used to them now I just know to ignore them, but my MIND was in complete panic mode. I just couldn't calm myself down and talk myself out of this strange idea I must have got into my head.I can't even remember what that idea was now? I just felt like I was totally losing my mind/going out of control. It was terrifying.

So after that, I decided that as the waiting list to see a therapist in Manchester was a year, it was the best idea for me to just book my flight home back to Jersey (a small island near France) So within a week I had packed, and worked myself up to a very anxious state for my flight back over. I was convinced that I was going to absolutely freak out. I went into the city a few times that week for lunch, and I felt a feeling of anxiety that I never had before, involving being around people in public, i was scared that I was going to freak out like I did that other day. But I bravely got on the plane, I did feel very anxious, my heart was racing and I was scared that I wasn't going to be able to breathe, and I wouldn't have been able to get off the plane. BUT I was fine!! 🙂 I sat there and calmed myself down, I brought magazines to read to distract myself and it worked. I actually came up with a new saying in my head that I was repeating everytime I felt my head start to spin into an anxious thought, I said to myself… "WITHOUT FEAR- IT DOESN'T EXSIST" (IT being my anxiety) and that gave me some comfort and realisation in remembering that I am the only one controlling this and I can stop it in its tracks.

So there are times now when I am feeling strong and that I am starting to gain control over this, however I am still in a constant faze of self anaylisation. I'm constantly checking myself and my mind about how I'm feeling ie. "am I feeling anxious?" I am back home now though to seek furthur therapy as there are issues I feel weren't covered in my last CBT sessions. I just need to get over the FEAR of having more panic attacks, and the FEAR about being anxious, I understand that it is just a horrible cycle that needs to be broken. It has however become almost instinctual for me now, so I feel that I may need to do a lot of practise and training to sort of, "unlearn" this pattern of behaviour.

I will update how I get on with finding therapy and how I'm feeling being home soon!

Peace to you all

Cloe xxx


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