i sit here as i do so many days, just looking out the window, wondering what i could’ve done differently to not have ended up where i am in this life. But, as i finish that sentence, i also have to acknowledge that had things not happened in my life, i would not be here. Hindsight…constantly kicking myself–wishing i could hurt myself even more, since i feel like my heart is constantly breaking. As i type this, the tears are falling, as have been the case quite often, as of late. i just can’t seem to hold back anymore. Too much has piled inside i just don’t know how i’ll ever get things accomplished that i’ve planned (as in my daughter’s “send off”, and even life-changes). i constantly feel empty, and yet, overloaded with emotional pain. The intense feelings are harsh enough, alone, but to feel the way i do when my husband touches me or brushes against me, is really becoming a true issue for me. He knows of my issues with my chest. Granted, for the first year or more that we were physically together, sex was not an issue and intimacy was pretty much a multiple-times-daily-thing for us. *sigh Does he truly not understand me? He knows my history and the causes of so much in my life. And, i’ve even told him as much as when you see me wearing this or doing that, please, just don’t touch…. Just feel like nobody will ever care enough to listen to me, whether they understand or not. i mean, hello, he is my husband, and even as a spouse, it does not matter what i say regarding my own body!!! Why??? (My first husband was even worse.) Do i just attract this type of partner? i always thought i was clear and expressive, even before we ever saw each other for the first time. With all that has been going on, for months now, emotionally and physically, i just want to vanish. i don’t want to ‘be’ anymore. i’ve had those urges, almost constantly, lately. No, i still haven’t acted upon them, as of yet, but they are growing stronger, again. i’ve even had ‘visions’ of the end….where, how, who’d find me, etc. This isn’t something new for me, but it is very present, daily. More than one individual has suggested grief counseling to me. i can understand the need for it, but at the same time, the domino effect has led me to this point in my life. i cannot afford any counseling, for now. So, i keep trying to push forward–even in baby steps. Regardless of what’s going on in my physical life, the medical examiner’s reports will probably make even more of an impact, when i receive them (which could be between 6 mos and a year from now). So, i guess i keep waiting for more crap to hit the fan (so to say). i feel like if i don’t keep my guard up, something’s gonna happen…. And, the fact that this application has still not been completed/submitted, says so much………i’m just so ready to give up.
Sorry for rambling all over the place. Just feeling like if i don’t write it, i’ll just continue letting it build until i break….completely.
Last night, sleep was not my friend…i maybe got a couple hours, at most. But, as i’ve said before: i’ll sleep when i’m dead, i suppose. As i began waking up, my husband was already awake, and i just started crying, again. So, he put his arms around me and held me for a few minutes. *sigh i guess with all that’s happened in these past 6 years, now, i should be grateful for his holding me. i just feel like nothing’s ‘free’…. He came over to me, a few minutes later, in the kitchen, and touched my chest….My immediate reaction: i punched him in the stomach. i haven’t done anything like that in quite some time, now. i don’t feel good for having done it then, but i am glad he stopped touching….