I hate to get the mail…

Yesterday, there were three pieces of mail:

1. A summons for jury duty.

2. A letter from the Superior Court saying I have a criminal warrant for my arrest and the bail is $26,000.

3. A notice that I have certified mail at the post office.

Okay. *takes deep breath*

The first one, no problem, I'm a convicted felon. That's easy enough to get out of. One phone call.

The second one just straight pissed me off. It is from a highly inflated charge from a year and a half ago that, $7000 later, just won't die. It's hard to take responsibility for this because it was mostly not my fault. But the “mostly” is key … I did have a part in each ugly twist and turn it has taken, including this warrant, because even though the court never sent me the final fine slip after my plea bargain, I should have known there would be a fine and at least called my lawyer. Or he should have called me … he was paid enough to pick up the phone. But whatever. I don't have the money to pay the fine. After discussing my options with him, I have decided to go to jail instead of try to pay the money. I have paid vacation, I just don't have cash. I felt pretty good after making this decision. It will make it [i]finally[/i] go away once and for all. And I bet you I come out with a little more gratitude for the life I currently have.

The trip to the post office revealed that the third thing was a notice that they are garnishing my wages for back taxes. Nice. But even this I will survive.

Sobriety has proven to be everything I expected when I came back this time around. While I was pretty overwhelmed last night, I am not angry today. Heck, I'm not even philosophical. Just … what is the next indicated action? The crime I was charged with, while not actually what they said, was a situation that could have been avoided if I hadn't been so damn angry all the time while I was using. And do you know why I was angry? Because you wouldn't do what I wanted you to do, so therefore, all my problems were your fault.

Today I have appropriate feelings at appropriate times. I have courage to walk through this. Courage is not the absence of fear … just the strength to walk through it. Yeah, I'm a little fearful. I haven't been in a jail cell in over 8 years, but I suspect it's probably like riding a bicycle. In receiving, I'm sure I'll be more bored than anything. No TV, no computer, probably not even any books. All my cellmates will most likely be either sleeping off their cocaine comas or kicking heroin. And see … I'm getting 11 days for this. In Los Angeles, that means I'll probably serve between 4 hours and 4 days, depending on how crowded they are. I'm the lucky one and I know it. There, but for the grace of God, go it. Perhaps I'll have an opportunity to be useful while I'm there, if I am open to it and not just wallowing in self-pity.

I wanted to share this somewhere. I really can't just tell everyone that I felt going to jail for a weekend was the easy, softer way in all of this. A lot of us come in with so much wreckage, and I guess I'm really no exception, but today there is a solution if I'm just willing to do the footwork, allowing God to supply the results.

Thanks for letting me share…

~Suzy