Perimeter Breach

I guess we're really just sacks of flesh,squirming around like fungus spores in a petri dish.There's no magic,rhyme or reason for any of this,is there? One can be made to believe that they are being watched by a benevolent force,guiding them to a happy destiny. But what does this universe,and the carbon sack of sludge I call 'me' really have to do we one another? See,in a God governed existence,we are all equals…subject to the same pains,trials and joys.But this is clearly not how life is carried out in the 'real world'.

In the 'real world',there exists a male flesh sack called Billy.That's me.My journey,since the awakening of my conscienceness,has been riddled with sorrows and misfortunes beyond account.Now,for a long time,I held on to these horrifying experiences and used them as justification to cleanse myself of responsibility and accountablility.I blamed the unseen,unheard 'God' for my dismay.Later,I accepted 'God',and pleaded for a cellestial will to guide me,forgoing my past traumas as 'tests' to the strengthening of my soul.Alas,I sit,as confused and misinformed as ever.My heart aching in my chest;lumps in my throat,angry.I dont feel like a 'soul' on a quest anymore.I feel like a molecular construct struggling to be noticed by the sub-atomic chaos that I'm surrounded by.A chromosomatic accident,spawned forth from a faulty gene-pool.

 

The Accidental Ion- Perimeter Breach II

Ion,atoms or cells are very small pieces to a greater whole.They may produce characteristics and strengths which improve the embodiment of the whole.Or,they may become cancerous or otherwise dysfuntional to the greater compound and be rejected.Cancerous cells can be removed,improving the quality of the surrounding materials. Science has never really been my area of expertise,but has always fascinated me.Today,it scares the crap out of me.

What if I'm a dying cell that the body has no use for? Could this explain why I walk through this existence provoking spite and malcontent to those around me? Is my ionic impact in this world nothing more than a painful drain on those individuals I would look to for guidance and companionship? Does my ugly smile and fat-filled face inspire contempt in your heart? Are my attempts to contribute to life only ever going to be met with closing doors and hearts? Could it be possible that my existence here is meaningless and coincidental,doomed to end slowly and painfully? Who answers these questions?

I HAVE STILL NOT GIVEN UP DESPITE COMPLETE AND DELIBERATE NON-RESPONSIVENESS TO THE SIMPLE AND HONEST FUCKING QUESTIONS I'VE OUTLINED HERE IN THE REAL WORLD HANGING AND LINGERING AND BURNING AN INNOCENT AND KIND HEARTED HUMAN FORM OF LIFE COPING BETTER AND STRONGER THAN ANY TEN EVER COULD.

 

The Centrifugal Force-Perimeter Breach III

It has been important for me not to give up.Storm after storm,I still hold on.One of the reasons for this is that I still feel a certain love for this world around me.Observing joy,love,friendship and the beauty of unscathed landscape can still bring peace into my heart.It needs to be genuine,however,or I am unable to respond.A fake smile and handshake only leave me feeling confused.Witnessing purity in light,while bittersweet,keeps me wanting to trudge forth,disregarding my feelings of not belonging.

Centrifugal force is that which is exerted on all objects, and directed away from the axis of rotation.Objects are drawn into the field of gravity,and quickly propelled away from the core.I relate very well to this phenomena.Maybe,my function here in the 'real world' is to work as a junctioning point for others to travel through. It has brought me great pleasure,throughout my life,to lead others to the next phases of their lives. It makes me a sort of messenger,no,courier to human life around me.While this makes me feel even lonlier,it does inspire purpose and dignity.Centrifugal force draws things close,but then sends them far,far away.There is a small chance,on a rare occasion, that something may be drawn in all the way down into the core.

Then what? I'm only used to everything leaving.A lone ion spinning endlessly and awaiting the next passerby.When something touches my core,there is still a significant chance that it may be ripped away from my gravitational pull,damaging the efficiency of the only process I value.My last remaining shred of hope,at risk.I've survived this assault many times,but each wave has weakened me all the more.So I spin faster.Erratic and less efficient is my purpose in this plasmatic realm,but it keeps the core alive,and dangerous objects away.

Ad Infinitum-Perimeter Breach IV

Keeping the dangers away has become more a part of who I am,now,than growing and learning and appreciating the chance to exist in this ever-infinte wonder we call life.But it is a necessary evil.Once my heart has been breached,everything changes.I can guide you no further.Instead,I become fragile and flailing like a helpless child crying for his Mother in the dark;Monsters under the bed.I spin faster,and before long,you are light years beyond my cries. Soon,I'm spinning beyond control,infecting whatever lies near.Laying waste to the beauty I've once percieved,doomed to repeat the process forever,unless the core reacts,or simply dies.

 No.

I will persevere.Too long,has been my journey,to die waiting by the window.Too much beauty has coursed through my veins;this carbon build-up in which I reside.I will seek eternity with open arms,embracing each new challenge.If you cannot answer me,then so be it.And when we finally meet and you ask me how was it that I could master the universe,I will tell you….

madness took me

1 Comment
  1. venture567 13 years ago

    This is alot late but I read your blog and it just made me sad.  I think (and remember, this is just my opinion) you spend too much time in your own head.  What do you do for fun?  After you got into recovery, did you learn HOW to have fun without getting wasted first?  I feel for you buddy but I don’t believe you have to feel the way you do………….  Tracey  PS  Since this comment is way after the fact, I hope you are doing better today.

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