November 4, 2007, 2:55 pm Hi There: Although, I did not write this in my actual blog. I was wondering how many of you have read Greg Louganis autobiograhy:breaking the surface?? Does anyone relate to his story?? I checked it out from the library and keep reading it over and over. Although, I am not hiv postive. I relate to Greg Louganis qutie a bit. Although, I will NEVER be an olympic athlete. I am a competitve runner and pretty good. I have a hard time not crying reading Greg's book. I just want to reach out and give Greg a HUGE hug. I see a lot of things in Greg's story that are similar in my life. Like Greg I was teased endlessly in school for being gay, I stutter like Greg did(although I still do) I have had a rough relationship with my father, have tons of learning disabilites, both suffer from OCD, Greg never thought he was a handsome guy, I have trouble expecting that as well to the point where I would not leave my apartment for days at a time, because I thought I was ugly, that has been better, there are other similarities.
Recently I have used sedation medication to get through the day(but I try to be careful). The last 2 days I have been okay, but I have been so paranoid about using them in the past week even when I am not using them I feel paranoid, that people think I am actingt weird/strange(I can not get it out of my head)
But I think what is worse of all is I am so ashamed of my sexuality I can't even be myself. For a long time I thought being gay was a choice, but I have realized that no one chooses this path. I was given this hand. It is what it is. People do not choose things that are difficult. Its hard and sad at the same time, because I have put my life on HOLD because of my SEXUALITY. I do not work, do not have friends, do have a job, on dsiability and rarely leave my apartment. Most times I do its just to run outside. That I do well, but unlike Greg I will NEVER be an olympic star. Just a decent runner. Maybe when a race or 2??
Its hard because I want to be myself, and in emails and to people very close to me I can, but when I am in groups. I clam up. I get scared! This weekend I went to my dad's 60th birthday party out of town(and still am, I also hate his BITCH of a girlfriend). I probably secretly rezent her because she use to make fun of my stutter in years past. And she is always telling me she does not like certain things, I did to her 3 years ago. I once also a chunky kid and sometimes that stuff does not leave you. Kind of like being gay, you always worried about being teased about being fat. Now I am in great shape 5'1l” 165. But in high school I was 5'11″ and 220. And as I am trying to edit this, she keeps telling me to get off so she can use the phone.
Yesterday we had about 25 people for a clam(different kind of clam) bake and there are always things I want to say to people, I have no problem admitting this, but I am downright paranoid. I think there is going to be a whisper behind my back(like fag, homo, queer etc) I know these are my thoughts, but its something that keeps hindering me. And the fear that my voice sounds gay, sterotypically gay, or effeminate is also what is keeps me inhibited, holding me back from saying certain things, and makes me afriad to say things I would like to say(sometimes I fear or think what if I will become a literal MUTE like I did in my earl 20's). I know you can not let high school keep you from moving on, but I have let it!
I also feel guilty for doing gay sexual acts that I torture myself to no end and feel like my voice has become effeminate or sterotypically gay because I have done these acts(maybe its because the people I met were for hook-ups and casual sex?). My dad told me it looked like I had a good time at the party(maybe my perception is off) but I did not feel like I did. Everyone was going on how nice I am, cute, and friendly I was. I guess I do not see it, but my voice still limits me on how I really want to be. I felt like the guest that stayed over came to visit truly did not like me or hated me. And even though I was hospitalized a 3 years ago for some of this stuff. I am still struggling. I wonder if it gets better. I guess the exposure of being around so many people was hard. Considering I sit home by myself most of the time I have regressed some. I use to volunteer, belong to a running group(now just run outside by myself) and hang out with people more, but I have closed myself off. I would probably feel better if I just got out and did things. And feeling better in social situations takes time! I see a shrink 3 times a week, and I guess he helps some. I think what is sad is I always fear I will not be able to run outside, because the fear that people do not like or hate me makes me so depressed. That I will never leave my apartment. Sometimes I flip through magazines and see pictures of people and think those people will not like me if they me/knew me.
I know this is wallowing in self-pity, but its how I feel. I have good moments, I guess I am just sharing the bed. And its hurtful when people like dtest come on this blog and make mean spirited comments. Like telling me I am just here to promote a blog(If I do decide to put this on my blog, its not promotion. Its jsut my thoughts and feelings) I thought this was suppose to be for support. I guess my mext logicial move is actually going to a support group and meeting other gay people. But even that is hard, because as crazy as it sounds I am worried the people at the center will think my voice sounds gay.