So I was hospitalized last week.  I went to the ER to be admitted and it ended up taking eight hours for a social worker to show up and get me into the unit.  I've been hospitalized before, but it's always been in the child/adolescent unit.  This time I was with the adults and it was very intimidating at first. 

I mainly stayed to myself the first night, going to bed around 8:30pm.  The next day I woke up to what appeared to be a styrofoam egg and pancakes you could bang on your plate.  I don't think I ate a single thing.  In fact, that was the trend the entire four days I was in the hospital.  I lost almost five pounds just from not eating and drinking.  It was insane. 

I made friends quickly the first day.  I wanted out of there so I figured being social in front of the nurses would score me some points.  I met with my doctor and told him that I was fine and my suicidal thoughts were gone.  He said that he would discharge me in a day or two after starting me on this new medication, zyprexa.  I have no idea why I'm on it, but I am.  I should've asked that question.  Anyone on it?  Any side effects I should be worried about?

My outpatient psychiatrist has told me in the past that hospitalizations do nothing for me because all I do is bullshit my way out of the situation.  He was right.  I had no idea I was so clever!  I got out in four days.  I "celebrated" Halloween there unfortunately though, but everyone was so nice.  We had a party that afternoon where we played pictionary, sang karaoke, and drank apple cider.  My social anxiety prevented me from participating, but it was quite entertaining to see it all happen.

Now that I am free, I am considering going to their partial hospitalization program.  It would be five days a week from 9am to 3:30pm.  I would have group therapy, recreational therapy, and occupational therapy.  It could be just the thing I need right now.  I would be safe and possibly make some friends.  The suicidal thoughts always seem to be there–an existential suicidality.  Maybe this could help.  I should get a phone call on Monday saying if I can go there or not.  We shall see!

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