This week has been a very long week filled with ups and downs. Last thursday my Fiance's grandpa passed on. I try to be a strong shoulder for my soon to be hubby to lean on. (most of the time he's the shoulder I lean on) We've been off work for the last 5 days. (we work overnights and there is no way we could work) Our sleep is now backwards. I slept till noon today. Which means I can't sleep right now. Tonight is going to be horrible to get through.
This week I have gone to a wake, gone to a funeral, made dinner for family who came over afterwards, Rented the reception hall for the wedding, bought my dress, bought the bridesmaid dresses, went out for wine and cheesecake with a friend. Allthe way through everything I felt nervous and full of worry. Most of the time I didn't even know what I was worried about.
My mind bounces from subject to subject. From my own death to what it will be like to be in that dentist chair. For some reason he looks like an exicutioner in my mind. Then it will bounce to am I sure I'm in love with Brandon are we really getting married? The answer is always yes but for some reason I still over analyze everything. I can replay everything I do or am about to do in my mind and figure out every possible outcome. The problem is it doesn't stop. Not when I sleep not when I try to occupy my mind in other ways. I Just want to be a normal person who yes weighs the pros and cons but can JUST LIVE. Like the people that Hanglide, sky dive, Do things to feel alive. I miss feeling alive and full of HOPE. I hate being full of FEAR.