I have lost myself lately….
I thought it was because of the severe breakdown of my relationship with my alcoholic Mother, but I have more recently identified my recent severe anxiety issues to be related to my personal relationship also.
I have a lot of family history, I would be here all day if I were to start at the very beginning, so I'll leave that for another day! I had been smoking marijuana for many years (grew up with my parents doing it regularly), and met him online while at University. We chatted, but nothing serious or flirtatious. He said he would give me some marijuana when I was looking for some and that was our first official meeting. We have been together for about 6 years now, and we have had many many ups and downs. None of that seemed to matter though because he always seemed to put me on a pedestal. How ridiculous to think I met my life partner as he gave me drugs…
Well, I stopped smoking around 9 weeks ago now, cold turkey, and he didn't manage to do it. Gradually we have drifted apart and become different people. We don't spend nearly any time together, and if I asked him to tell me something about my life right now he wouldn't be able to. He seems to have had everybody around him pandering to him all his life, to te detriment of their own. This includes me. I am only 26, and have realised he has (probably unknowingly) stripped me of my previous undestroyable confidence, criticising everything from how I have burnt the dinner, to the fact I drink too much wine and am just like my (mentally unstable) cruel mother.
He works non stop and I used to miss him and him me, but now we don't really care. I don't know if he ever cared now, perhaps I was too stoned and in denial to notice? Perhaps anxiety causes us to question everything which we once deemed solid? I've told him countless times recently how unhappy I am… but he brushes it under the carpet…
I went to see a psychic a few months ago, and they told me I had a massive decision to make in the future. I think this may be it. There is always the chance I could regret my decision to finish my relationship, but I know I will be OK in the long run.
I am an exceptionally strong individual… it's not about how hard the knock is or was, or about how long it takes you to pick yourself back up and dust yourself off again; all that matters is that you did. Life's too short to live with empty promises and fake feelings. Seize the moment.