So I am on disability for the next three months after being in the hospital because of my Bi-Polar condition, which has gone untreated for so long ( mainly due to the fact that every medicine they ever put me on was for depression and made me manic so I gave up).  Through out my life I have never been out of work for more than 2 weeks.  I have been out of work for 9 months so far and I feel like a bum and it drives me insane.  Everyone knows the job market right now anywhere sucks and jobs that use to pay good money pay shit now cause they know that they can payless because of the economy.  I am a Chef and have been for the last 12 years.  I do not want to go back to being a Chef but that is what my degree is in.  Being in the restaurant industry has burned me out bad not too mention everything I have missed working 80 + hours a week including my beautiful daughters growing up.  I guess having all this time on my hands I would have figured out what the hell I want to do next but nothing really excites me when I think about it and I do not have the money to go back to college again at this point in my life.  I don’t expect anyone to have a solution for me just venting basically.  After finding out my wife had been cheating on me for 7 months while I was busting my ass so she could spend my money I started self medicating.  Although on the outside I seemed strong and acted like it didn’t bother me, on the inside I was brewing one hell of a storm.  I think by numbing myself with drugs and alcohol for years I just basically was an automated shell of a human being going through life trying not to think about how much I really hated it.  Every time I would get pissed or stressed I would walk right out to the bar in the restaurant and would get myself a drink no matter what time of day it was and no one said shit to me for fear that I would bite their head off.  Drinking when I woke up in the morning became a norm.  Rise and shine, down the hatch with a half pint of Skol Vodka.  Now that I had my fuel got rid of my shakes and nausea time for breakfast and out the door to work I go.  I never thought it was a problem or even cared for that matter.  When I think about it now it makes me sick how I would let someone take power over me and let myself fall into a hole of self pity and self abuse.  The restaurant I worked so hard to open and get off the ground took a huge hit when the economy started to fall.  When we had to close the restaurant it was pretty much the straw that broke the Camels back.  I lost everything and it hit home hard nothing at that point could numb the way I was feeling.  Having to move in with my parents was a huge blow to my ego.  I haven’t lived with my parents since I was 19 and here I am in my thirties moving back in with my Mom and Dad.  Moving in with my so called friends at the time would have just enabled me because they too were drug and alcohol abusers or still are.  Of course my Wife kept everything so I had no choice and now that I think about it, it was better than being homeless.  I fell into a deep depression and got two DWI’s with in 3 months.  With all the shit going on I felt my life was over God was out to get me, and nothing was going to go right for me anymore and my life was pretty much over.  I prayed every night when I went to bed that I would just not wake up the next day and convinced myself that it would be best for everyone.  How stupid to be so selfish and not even realize it.  I have no idea what clicked in my head but one day I woke up and said to myself “ What the hell are you doing?”.  It was like someone hit me in the head with a board and said shit man wake up and get real!!!!  I have always been a strong person and have made it through being paralyzed for 8 months and a lot of other shit.  How could I let myself get so bad?  Getting sober was one hell of a struggle but the right thing to do.  It’s amazing how different your brain thinks when it’s not pickled with Alcohol and other drugs.  It was a trial and error I tell ya that but not giving up is where it is at.  I finally found something that worked for me, and it wasn’t AA.  My friends in AA get mad at me for not going but I look at it this way.  When you focus on something it comes to you.  If I spend time everyday at an AA meeting hearing people talk about drinking I am going to focus on drinking like I did when I was going and eventually I am going to drink.  They are the ones who say in AA that if you hang around a barber shop long enough you’ll end up get getting your haircut.  Well I think if you sit around talking about drugs and alcohol long enough your going to go back out and use.  But this is just my opinion, like I always will say what works for one person may not work for another but do whatever you have to do to make it work for you.  AA has helped people around the world get sober for years, but it’s not for everyone, and it’s not for me. Instead of focusing my life on not drinking, and not doing drugs. I focus my life on making it better, being and feeling healthy, helping others, and number one staying positive which is just as hard as trying to get sober.  I still don’t get along with my ex wife but it is what it is.  I spend as much time as I can with my kids and I love it.  I like to write my thoughts as you can all tell from this short novel.  I guess I wrote this also to tell people that the road never ends and doesn’t have to lead to hell.  If your struggling with staying sober keep trying and don’t give up until you find what works.  Also if you are trying, know that that alone is a big step most never even take because they live in denial or self pity until the day they die. DON’T BE A STATISTIC !!!