Why does the past still bother us? is it the reason i am the way i am? It shapes a person's future, the person they will become, the way they look at the world.. and for the most part i am happy with my views, mostly happy wiht the world but i still cant let go……

Things that happened 5 years ago still really upset me, but i think that could be to the fact that i try not to think about the bad memorys too much cos they hurt me, they make me angry and when i get angry i tend to do fuked up shit.

Iv been seeing my counsellor for around 6 months , at least once a week and only yesterday did i really talk about my past, my angry resentful memories i.e – my da. He treated me like shit my whole life, i have about 2 good memorys of him, one of whihc would be him teaching me to cycle a bike and the other of being when my house went on fire and my brother was in hospital, he broiught me around the house to take pictures to bring into my brother to show him that the house was ok because he was having nightmares and worrying that it was ruined. I think both of those memories are of a kind man , who loved his children , who was caring and loving but the truth is that he destroyed each and every one of us in his own special way. He brought us all up to be scared,to hate him, to even wish he would have an accident and never come home and the effect thats had on our lives is still present today, one of my brother's never wants to have kids and i have a feeling that is largely to do wiht the fact that he would be afraid of treating them badly – even though he is a kind and generous person, but he is not really the type to talk about his feelings so il probably never know. My other brother is in prision and has been getting in trouble since he was out of nappys, everything from drugs to vandalism, and he is completley over protective of me and still is to this day, he feels he has to protect me and look after me. And myself, well where do i start !! i have been in trouble all my life,iv had a long term relationship with drugs, the majority of the time i seem to pick men that treat me like shit, i have a terrible temper, im defensive about practcally everything and i dont have great confidence. Now i am not saying all of my problems are to do with the way my da treaetd and im not looking for someone to blame for my problems and the way my lifes turned out but come on lets face it, i go for men that are , in alot of ways, like my father. Since i have been a young child, i have looked for ways to escape , with drugs, alcohol, stealing…i just never wanted to be in my own head and i hated my home life and moved out as soon as i could which was just before my 17th birthday. My brother was the same , except he was thrown out when he was 16 and has never returned.

Even to this day, anytime i speak to my father he still finds a way to be a smart, conniving, ignorant fucker who upsets me or fucks me over in some way. I have practicaly no relationship with him , in fact the only time i would ever ring him is if it was absloutley necessary, the same goes for my brothers. None of us ever know what to say to him and just really hate being around him, but at the same time, when i finally opened up to my counsellor yesterday about him i cried my eyes out, i felt rage inside me and i got so angry. I hate the fact that he still has that effect on me, and i know for a fact he still has that effect on my brother becuase we actually had a really long conversation about him the other night, about the way he treats us now, the things he did in the past to us, and my mother.

I would love to just tell him to stay away from me, never contact me or anything for the rest of life but i cant. The reason i cant is because i still want something from him- i want to know why? why he did all these things to us and recked our childhoods, why he hates us so much? why , ever time he looked at me  it was in absloute disgust? he let me down big time, all my life, and i will never be able to forgive him .

Its not as if i never confronted him, because believe me i have! i remember one paticular time i was in shcool and we were getting i.d cards so we got clock in every morinng when we came to school becuase people were always coming in for the first class and then going home, i went home that evening and my da got really angry with me for absloutley no reson at all and smashed my head and face in a door way, i had to go to school the next day and have those pictures taken. It was so bad looking , the white of my eye was all red and bloody , the whole side  of my face was black and purple and i was so embarassed that when anyone aksked me what happened (which was about 500 people) i just made up an feeble excuse,my principal called me into the office and was really worried about me but of course i wouldnt say anything , i was just so embarassed. I still have that i,d card and its disgusting- my little baby face all smashed up, yuou can actually see the hurt in my eyes. Anyway a few days later i walked into my kitchen and there was the asshole i called da standing at the kitchen sink and he actually said to me in the most concerned , loving voice ' what happened to you face?'  I mean can u actually fucking  believe that??? FUCKED UP OR WHAT?

Plenty of other times i have said it to him and he would just say ' what are u talking about, that never happened?'

Can u imagine how crazy that would make u feel? But thats just all part of his abuse! he probably wants to me think i am mad! thats why now, when i think of saying it all to him, cos all i want is anwers , i want to know why he treated me like that? i want to know why he hated me so much? I actually feel like screaming just thinkning about it! So as u can see, there is actually no point saying anything cos i will never get an answer from him. GOD I HATE HIM SO FUCKIN MUCH.

 i just want to take that little girl and protect her.she didnt deserve any of those things.she was a good girl. All she ever wanted was daddy to love her….and he never did. She spent days , weeks, years crying in her room. When she was really small she used to get into her wardrobe and hide so she could be safe. She ran away all the time but always went back before anyone noticed because she was so afraid of what would happen to her . She used to wish and pray she was never born or that her own father would die.

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