Today was another lazy day, i spent it at home with my family relaxing and for the first time in a long time i feel im actually comfortable in my own company and in my life. I feel a sort of contentment that i havent felt in a long time…. maybe not ever. I have turned my back on my drug fuelled lifestyle of parties, and all the crap that comes with it. At the ripe old age off 22 iv hung up my dancing shoes… and the needles and tinfoil. I think in time to come il start going out and having fun but right now i know im doing what i need to be doing, which is taking myself out of and away from situations that will result in me using drugs. I feel good about that. Of course i want to be out with my friends partying and enjoying life but i know i cant be at the moment so that part of me is taking a rest out and actually enjoying my recovery. Im taking one day at a time and setting about achieving my goals. I am doing well in my Addiction studies course and enjoying it alot. I know without a doubt that i want to help other addicts in there recovery and show people there is life outside of drugs and addiction. I feel its very important for people who have life experience in addiction to help others suffering from it. One thing i found difficult when i first made contact with drugs services was that i could tell alot of people giving me 'advice' were just listing off things they had read in books and i despised it. Alot of them were cold and uncaring. I know that probably sounds ungrateful and horrible to be despising others who were just trying to help me but i found alot of these people very patrionising and judgemental. You would be telling them how bad you felt, how desperate and sick you were, literally crying out for help and they would just tell you 'ahh you'l be ok later on' . In reality they didnt have any idea how i was feeling. As iv said before how could a person know how a flu feels if they have never had one, or a broken bone?
When i did speak to genuine people who had been there themselves it made so much difference to how i was feeling. These people didnt have to tell you they were recovering addicts, it was plainley obvious by the advice they would give me, by the look on their faces and in their eyes.
But im not saying all the people who talked to me who were not recovering addicts themselves annoied me, some of them were beautiful, kind, compassionate, empathetic people and were a great help to me. One paticular person was very good to me and my family. I saw him not long ago and his words still ring in my ears; he told me how he had seen himself in me and had worried alot about me, that i was very sick and he spent alot of time thinking about me, and that he had often wondered how i was doing. He said there was alot of people he had met in his time as an outreach worker that he sadly knew didnt really want help and would probably never make it but i was one of a handful of people who he had seen a burning ambtion and desperation to get better in my eyes and he always knew i would come out the other side. Il never forget what he did for me. He was one of the first people i came in contact with when i was trying to get onto a methadone programme and when i used to go to the clinic to check was there a place for me i was still using as i hadnt got on methadone yet and more often than not i would have used so much i wouldnt even remember how i had gotten to the clinic that day. I would be literally slipping in and out of consciousness as i waited to be seen by the staff, but instead of leaving me sitting there he would always bring me into one of the rooms and give me something to drink and talk to me, about my family, about what i wanted out of life. At the time i was worried about my brother as he had just been sentenced to 5 years in prison and he even went to see him to make sure he was doing ok. He never told me but my brother did. Il always be greatful for that. I dont know how i would have gotten to where i am today had i not had people like that looking out for me.
Alot of times this site has been a huge strength to me and all the people iv met here have given me inspiration and the will to keep on going and not give up.
Im so glad that alot of that darkness has lifted from my life and i can see almost clearly for the first time in a long, long time. There is still some grey areas but for the most part i dont suffer in the deep dark corners of my mind. At this stage i am starting to see and reap the benifits of being clean and im loving almost every moment of it.