Dating back to 2015 I felt my fears and regrets as a child catch up to me, I didn’t want them to take over me any longer, especially because 19 is a prime year in one’s life. I was finally getting my high school diploma and I felt great considering I never thought I’d be able to do that for myself. During my teenage years I didn’t really have friends, I didn’t like to be around people. Being able to legally drink in bars with people my age changed me, it made me depend on alcohol to make friends, and I made friends, friends who liked to get together and “mingle”. I never liked to drink too much, especially with my panic disorder, but the more nights I went out and drank, the more my mind and body got use to the quantity. I know what it’s like to be around alcoholics, I know the way they act and talk, the way they depend on alcohol. I refuse to call myself an alcoholic. I can live without the alcohol, but I didn’t want to then. I was finally living, living the life most teenagers do at a young age. The alcohol was giving me courage, courage that no pill has ever given me. My family and boyfriend didn’t agree with what I was doing, I don’t think anyone did, but who were they to judge something they didn’t understand? I was acting selfish for almost 2 years, only now understanding my actions. I can say that I’m finally turning myself around, but those memories have turned into new regrets that will always stay with me. I was trying to fill regrets of being a homebody, only to have my new hobby be worse. Being fearless turned me into being dauntless. I felt powerful, untouchable, something I haven’t felt in a long time (if not ever). Those feelings made me ignore the feelings of the ones who really cared about me, the ones I loved. I ended my relationship thinking that meeting new people was more important than keeping the few I had. It was only a couple of months later that I had realized the same scene gets old, drinking gets tiring, and the dangers of strangers weren’t worth it. I realized that my earlier lifestyle was something that made me happy, even more than being “normal”. That’s when I decided to find someone to spend my time with, someone to invest in and drop my friends that invested their time into bad habits. That person and I moved too quickly, he wasn’t someone I could see myself with in the long run, but I was desperate to make things “right” again. My biggest regret in that relationship, was telling him I loved him, especially since we weren’t even a month into dating. I don’t want to make that mistake again. I want to do things right this time around, hoping that it will be the last time. Once I can get my disorders under control, I will be able to do more activities that I used to enjoy, with the occasional “fun” weekend, but everything takes time. Come my 21st birthday, just months away, I’d like to be able to forgive myself for all the things I have done wrong, for all of those selfish moments and reckless times. I’ve tried, but all it seemed to do was make me contemplate ending my life. You think it would be easy to forgive yourself, but it’s not.

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