I didn’t get to finish my last post because I ran out of thought. I’m sick with this nasty cold that seems to be sweeping the nation… so I have nothing better to do than to blog =)
So I’m reflecting a lot on Mike and I. It doesn’t get me anywhere. It hurts, it stings… it eats at me. I cry. But I don’t cry for the normal reasons. I cry because I am just so tired. Tired of crying, tired of feeling this way, especially when I know he could give a damn less. He’s off living in his la la land, while I’m agonizing. It’s not like anything had changed though. I figure I need to get all the bitterness out in order to start functioning. So I’m going to whine about it, cry about it and blog about it till my hearts content.
While I had this epihany earlier in the week about Mike and I that sort of sprung from my last conversation with the monster, it really did tie some things into perspective for me. We drifted apart mostly because of the things we kept putting eachother through. He just wasn’t the one. I always knew it too but for some reason I tried to force fate to sway another way. I wanted a one and only. I had been through so much heartache and my family liked him so much (at the time) I wanted a happy ending. But it was a premature one. He wasn’t what I needed. He wasn’t like me.
There aren’t levels of people. But people are different classes. I don’t know how to explain it. But we are. He was a different class than me. I need intellectual stimulation. Something he couldn’t provide to me. He was this cocky, arrogant, ignorant person… who cared more about his appearance to others, scummy others at that, than who he really was. He wasn’t this person he pretended to be. Which is what bugged him about me. I knew who I was, I had it figured out, I was a strong person. So what did he do? He spent the relationship tearing me down as an individual and what did I do? I let him do it.
I came from such a messed up background and here I was… this honest, blunt, strong, independent girl just trying to make her way to a better future. He was someone who came from a wonderful family who was just as scummy as can be. He stold from his family, he stold from people in mine, he even stold from me. He would steal because he felt so insignificant in the spectrum of life. Other people were accomplishing things and he had nothing. Rather than being a respectable person – he just wanted to bring you down to his.
I am usually an optomistic person. Sometimes blindly optomistic. It sort of ticks off some of my friends. But it’s who I am. I prefer to see the light in a situation than to let the darkness take me over. I know I have been inspired by some and even inspired some… I relish in it. The world just holds so much to me and I want to see ALL of it =) I want to live it. Be in it. Be apart of it. Learn about it. I have been known to be loyal to a fault. I’m either one of the most wonderful people you have ever met or your worst nightmare. I don’t like to be stepped on and I don’t like stepping on people. Its just not me. Live and let live I guess.
He couldn’t stand all that about me. He still can’t. He will never bring to light that he was the reason we failed. He started the chain reaction. He would rather blame me and look like the victim. He does it all the time. Its never Mike that makes the mistakes, it’s everyone around him that does. Everyone hurts him, he doesn’t hurt others. People like him make me sick.