Often I dream of living as a hermit. Voluntary resignation from all aspects of social interacton AND achieving complete emotional self-sufficiency. (as for material one, it will prove too difficult…
Often I cannot help but picture myself living in the corner of the street. It\'s frightening… every year it\'s becoming more apparent. Financial and mental instability guide many people to that end it seems.
So I have a strange view when it comes to homeless people. Those with dignity, I even admire. Sometimes I see in them some sort of defiance..against common values of family and society…all of which product of mere convenience…
Sometimes I\'m stirred by the thoughts of nomadic life, winds of shifting lands singing into my ears the sweet melody of raw freedom. But in truth, I\'m aware life is hard and brutish in such a condition, and I have to come to terms with convenience of modern society.
Once-close people message me sometimes but I\'m afraid to open and rea the email, and end up ignoring them. My parents sent me a msg on my birthday then I finaly managed to actually read it… I made an excuse saying there is no good news that\'s why I didn\'t contact… so wait until there is one(when?) lol I miss old freiends, but how am I supposed to face them, when I\'m the total failure? So I\'m planning to get back to them when I fixed my problems. But I lost too many already.
So many negative feelings creating a downward spiral.
I pre-judge myself, I assume they clearly see who I really am(or whom I judge myself to be), embarassed, hiding, afraid of their judgement or reactionary evaluation, so I ignore them, feel guilty… and yea, today I was going to finally stop my procrastination and come out from hiding and reestablish connection but apparently I\'m going to bed now and failed:(
but economy is going down and I\'m worried what\'s going to happen in next few years of my life. .