Well, it’s Friday morning, in the middle of August….WHERE has the time gone, this year????  *sigh  It kinda scares me, just to think about:  how much time has passed; how little i feel i’ve changed/improved/etc.; and simply trying to make any plans, at all, since $$ is required for everything!  But, as with all things:  it is what it is–i am in the present, at this moment–not the past nor the future….  (beat a dead horse, much?  lol)

Marty’s off again today, which may be a good thing, considering how yesterday afternoon went.  i know he despises going to the doctors’ office, since it really does take sooo long to just go there and come back, via transit, for now.  Plus, he also “had” to go to Walmart, on his way back, since he “needed” energy drinks.  i know it’s just another crutch–i get that–but, at the same time, well, it’s really frustrating.  Oh well….  He also had me post a message for him, this morning, stating how he’s feeling about his addictions–the feeling of going out or/and of suicidal feelings.  He got a response from the guy who owns/runs the place Marty used to stay at–a sorta half-way “house.”  And, Marty’s now got another engagement–he’s supposed to speak at the evening meeting on Tuesday, for the guys who live there.                                             i wish i knew a better? more effective? healthier? way to process this, but i also feel like i have the right to my own ideas and understanding….  Should i react differently, concerning how much Marty talks about other females, especially the one he lived with before coming to Wilmington?  –Yes, he did stay with her for over a decade, but at the same time, they were NOT married, and he’s even explained their relationship as more of a friendly situation, than a couple.  *sigh  i also know he does talk…a LOT….but, that’s OK, too.  Anyway, i guess i just don’t want to exert so much energy simply due to jealousy….  i do NOT want to feel jealous, nor upset over his past relationships, anymore than i want him to, over mine.  The past is just that–the past–it’s gone and done with.  More energy/effort needs to be available for NOW/and the future.  woooooooooosssssssssssssssssssssssaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh               i am not a jealous person.  i am understanding.  i try to be a better person, daily.  i try to help others, whenever i can.  It’s another gray morning:  already thundering and raining.  But, that’s gotta be OK, too, since it is what it is.  i think the rain’s taking it’s toll on my body, again…  My knee’s bothering me–the left one, this time–and i woke up with my right ring finger hurting, too, for some reason.  Guess we’ll see how this day goes.




  1. sullengirl76 3 years ago

    Jealousy isn’t, necessarily, a bad thing. When you’re jealous of another’s success, for example, it can push you to work harder. It used to push me to get better grades in school – so I could stick it to the egghead brats who treated me like dirt because I was poor and “stupid” in their eyes.

    I think that when you feel jealousy over a person’s past, though, it can either be an indication of something you miss/want (more time with your partner), or it can indicate that you value your time with that person are less jealous and more curious about what that person’s life was like at that point. (Does that make sense?)

    I used to get jealous ALL THE TIME about an old boss’s wife. It made very little sense. I hardly knew the guy. Literally, I knew more about Madonna – having never met her – than I knew about my old boss after 6.5 years of working together. But, his wife had the *life* I envisioned for myself: a gaggle of sweet kids, a man who loved her (or did a great job pretending to), a beautiful house, siblings/family/friends, and enough money from her husband’s income to not feel stressed about being a housewife and stay-at-home mom. She was also skinnier and – in my mind – that made her far “better” than I could ever be. It took me more than a decade to figure out why I disliked even hearing the weasel-faced woman’s name. (I still have some residual saltiness, I guess… LOL)

    Anyway, I say all of that to encourage you to think about what it is from your partner’s past relationships that are either curious about or feel you are lacking. It could be a very eye-opening endeavor.

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  2. Author
    delane1 3 years ago

    i totally understand what you’re saying about jealousy…. i’ve been a competitive-type person, especially where academics were concerned, as well as on-the-job-behavior. Success…. *sigh
    What i was trying to explain–without doing a very good job of it–has more to do with Marty’s comments and just how much he mentions other females, either in general or specific ones. i’m not jealous of “them,” per say, but it does bother me–and he knows it–that whenever we’re watching something, he’s checking out the females, making comments. Yes, i know he’s a guy and guys are visual creatures. a duh But, visual doesn’t mean verbal. i know a lot of it is “just me,” but it’s like this: what he points out as attractive to him, makes me feel inferior or/and damaged. i don’t think he even means to, but since i’ve repeatedly reminded him…… Well, a duh? And, i also have a bit of an issue, since he’s always had hang-ups over any male i’ve ever mentioned, except my direct relatives! (Former spouses; friends; etc–it’s all an issue to/for him; so i’m supposed to allow that behavior, as well as his constant ramblings about other females?) i know: i overthink things. But, i am also trying to be realistic–what’s good for one is good for both–so to say.
    Thanks for your input! i appreciate you! ***hugs***

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