Im disappointed in myself today.I couldn't drive on the highway.I had a panic meltdown and just went back inside.Im not going to beat myself up..at least im trying not to. My anxiety has been insane lately. Its terrible. Im trying to figure out why.
Years ago, when I first started experiencing anxiety, and it was at its peak, I got on meds..got diagnosed with depression and severe panic/anxiety disorders and started counceling.My therapist seemed to think that I had a lot of "life changes" going on that was contributing to my anxiety.Along with a giant list of other things..but that the changes happening in my life were a big part of it.
Other things like past traumas,childhood abuse/depression…when those things occured in my life..and I grew older and I felt like..yes those things suck..but Im ok..Im strong and i've dealt with it all…well..then things seemed to be going good in my life..no abuse..no real disasters…just life…and then the anxiety started..out of no where…but this is where the therapist says..the things going on are also anxiety triggers..For instance..my mom who I am close to was moving 5 states away.I was sad she was leaving..but healthily..I was happy for her dream move.I was an adult anyway now…yet its still life-changing…and therapy said that is cause for anxiety..even tho i didn't realize it.Also I changed jobs..I was again happy about this..yet its a life change.So i took that as a probable explanation..the meds worked out..I became anxiety free after a while…then I stopped taking meds due to loss of insurance…went about my life still in control of my anxiety.
Its returned slowly, always rising little by little…and now here I am a mess again.As im searching for an answer..because I am in a happy place in life.Yes I always deal with manic depressive states..but I have someone in my life that helps with that..understands it..and Im ok with it..but the anxiety is now almost full blown.and in some ways worse than before.Im more paranoid,hypochondriac, and now partially social anxiety. But what is causing this?..Well maybe there is real truth to the life change thing.I just switched jobs.went from one grueling insane hours job…to 2 new part time jobs. and I got married a month ago.I see all these as positive things…yet Im experiencing extreme anxiety.This is in no way a treatment..but maybe Im starting to understand a few things.I dont know.Im calling councelors on monday.Hoping to get therapy…and i really dont want meds.If any..just a pill that will chill me out as needed.here and there when an attack gets bad.I guess if this understanding is right on…then I shouldnt be so disappointed ya know.at least im learning something about myself.
