It's my birthday today. 28 years on this earth so far. Thanks for the birthday wishes but so far my day hasn't really started off so well. I know it's looked at as rude to complain especially on one's birthday but you guys have let me be myself and be honest thus far without chewing me out so I'm hoping I can give it another go…
I've blogged before about how birthdays really are bittersweet for me. It's because a lot of them have been. The day I was born, my grandfather died. A joyous day marred by the loss of a loved one, happy birthday to me. The day my dad became a father was the day he lost his. I've never been blamed for it or anything (that would be stupid) but I often wonder how my family takes my birthday in. I know I couldn't help that, I was a baby, but it feels like I've often been the victim of bad circumstances/timing.
Fast forward to my 25th, my ex husband had me sign my divorce papers in a las vegas courthouse. I was moving out that week and of course, he had to pick the last available minute. He had the paperwork printed out almost 3 weeks beforehand! (I wanted a legal separation to get my head back on straight and work on the marriage but he always wanted to divorce but went through the motions of trying to fix it to please his horrible, manipulative, abusive parents.) Before I had the pleasure of his company in that crowded legal establishment I was graced with a call from him as well courtesy of his parents who were "concerned" because I sold the ring not only so quickly but for cheap. I offered the ring back at to my ex first because I didn't want it but he refused. I told him to ask his parents (they helped pay for it) if they wanted it back but he said they didn't. I was going to go to a pawn shop and sell it but a friend wanted to buy it but then told me she knew a couple who were getting married and couldn't afford a nice ring. I prayed a blessing over the ring and sold it to them for $300 (the ring was worth $1500). These people I once called in-laws had the intestinal fortitude to ask to buy it back for $400 after I already sold it!
A day where loved ones should have been around me singing "Happy Birthday" and being so glad I was born and maybe joking that I'm quarter-of-a-century old was instead spent with a man who said marrying me was a mistake and the only reason I was upset was because I lost my virginity to him. Keep in mind during this time, I couldn't sleep, eat, think, or do much of anything else. I was an empty shell. Happy friggin Birthday to me right?
I know know this is a really long blog and I'm getting to the point of all this…just hang on. Moving back home was hard, especially since most of my friends were busy moving on with their lives. Now, I love my friends and I'm very happy for them. I've driven hours to see them, missed out on sleep for work to go to parties they throw and also taken the time and effort to miss work and risk not having enough money to pay my bills with to let them know how much I care. Sadly the last few years have been hard for me both ocd wise and personally. This year, I took the risk of having a birthday party. I invited over 30 people. I had 2 make the effort of showing up. Now, a few had other things happen (a couple I invited were having a baby) but some didn't even show when they said they were coming. I know life happens and it's not the end of the world but I feel like I'm in the situation where I'm damned if I have an opinion and damned if I don't. I'm really hurt. I wish for once my friends would suck it up and just be there for me. I feel like I give and give but when I need them, they don't care or they have more important things to do than be there for me. Is it too selfish to wish for the stars to align just once in my life or did that pass? Why can't I be loved the way I love others? I'm tired of being the one who's overlooked. I tried telling them this before and I got into a lot of trouble. I'm scared of turning 30 and having no one there for me. I'm tired of being alone and ignored. Am I being selfish?