Wow, I haven't been here in several months except to play one specific game. I'll probably go play it because it seems to calm my nerves for even a little bit. I thought going to a chat room would help. But I can't fake it with a bunch of strangers that are just bored. I'm not in crisis. Sometimes, okay most times I just want to get real. I hate small talk. Sometimes you have to do it, but i don't see the point unless its a party or business type setting.

I'm trying to write a letter to a penpal, I haven't written in over a month. Lots of things happen. I'm not being fair to myself. My voice is saying "well lots of things happen, that's life, toughen up and deal with it." I've been like that all day. So hard on myself. I have all these things I feel I need to get done in order to feel happy.

To find friends through outdoor activities. To set a website kind of like this one, but nothing to do with anxiety. To write a novel. To find a full time legal assistant job. To do volunteer work. To make the lives of everyone around me easier. To just keep up with my therapy bills, insurance, school loans, credit cards and everything else.

I've taken plenty of steps. I joined meet up and even started my own hiking group. I've looked into ways I can start the website even though it will be very hard to learn and time consuming. I've been working on writing for about 4 years now. I am steadily getting better. I bought a couple books to help me write. On grammer and how to write better. I started reading the latter yesterday and even did a couple of the exercises. I have an application that was sent to me in the mail to do volunteer work at a nursing home. I've been considering ways to get myself extra money. I was going to sell my camera. I probably still am.

Basically all of this has occurred within the last 2 weeks. I've tried to do these things before. But I end up backing out getting overwhelmed. I tell myself to take a break and to just put it aside now and I'm like no, can't do that. Your just avoiding it when you should be working on it. Which is what I normally tend to do. I just sit in the internet searching or going on the same sites for no purpose. Just afraid to leave my desk, afraid I'll have to live up to some responsibilty I've set for myself.

I'm having surgery tomorrow morning. Nothing serious, just a cyst on my back. I'll be out and in on the same day. Three days off work. Can't avoid it. At least I got basic coverage with a high detuctable. It's all I could afford, but its coming in handy. I just have to pay $1100 of money I don't have. I also owe over a $1000 for school which has to be paid in a couple weeks. I told my group therapy that I can't come anymore because I can't afford it. I am not going to give up individual therapy b/c I need that. The insurance I have won't pay for any mental health care.

Part of me is feeling sorry for myself, but I'm not writing all this to let myself know how much I have on my plate. I'm just trying to lighten the load by sharing it with others. People who might share some empathy with me because they know what its like to live with a mental illness.

Here's the good news. I have improved so much with my anxiety. Sometimes I forget I have it. I put things off for so long. Still do with certain things like phone calls, but once you start taking steps, working on yourself with therapy, before you know it several months have passed and your doing things. It's almost thrilling to take on a difficult anxious challenge.

So I push and push to keep going. I go find new hiking places with my younger brother so I can bring the group there. I did that today. For the past few hours, I've felt myself slipping. I can't handle it alone and I shouldn't have to. No matter what therapy says or my family. They aren't there for me in the way I need them to be. And I can't keep trying to get them to fix things for me or to pay attention to me or spend time as a family in a more affectionate way because they too are people with a lot on their plates. They don't know all my thoughts. They can't read my mind. But I have brought it up to them many times in the past.

My mom's sister has brain cancer. My mom just told me they are giving her four weeks.

We don't have the luxury of time. If I want something, I have to go after it now, because no matter what anyone tells you. Your time could up in the next second.

This is where I get hard on myself. And I know how self-destructive it can be. I'd rather be out miserable and parnoid on a trail at 6pm then at home, eating in my room while my family is all spread out through the house. I don't have social friends. I have a few friends sure, but not really in the physical sense.

I think most of my discomfort will be gone once the surgery is over. I can only tackle two things at a time. (That's my slogan at work lol) I keep waiting for relief. I'm not sure I know how to give that to myself.