My video for tonight would be something fun, but I just don\'t feel it right now. You see, there is a conflict at work which has been eating at me for the past few days. I thought I left it behind but my \'red flag\' programming has been tripped two nights in a row.
>>Red Flag programming: I\'ve set traps in my mind which raise red flags when something happens. My emotions drop to depression levels, a flag goes up. I get a desire that I should end it all, a flag goes up. You get the picture, red flags are alerts that something is wrong.
So, two nights ago I got a mild emotion/desire to end it all. The desire triggered a flag and I evaluated it\'s power over me. Since it was mild, it did not have the power to take over. So, I blamed it on my alergy meds and being tired…good enough.
Last night, my mind was just going and going and going. The minute I left work, it activated. All based around this future thing that will come up because of current issues. I managed to clear my mind for a few minutes and noticed a flag was waiting. This one triggered by obsession over past/future events at work.
I recalled hearing somewhere (a podcast probably) that if you hate someone…what good does it do? Specifically, if you hold hate against someone…is that person affected by it. Obviously no, it only hurts you and the other person can\'t feel what you do.
So, I used that knowledge to calm my mind (twice) and get to sleep.
This morning, I noticed my mind heading to that area again. Heading it off, I decided the goal today was to keep my mind fixed on the current moment. Mostly, I was successful in that goal.
So, now there are two flags span over only two days…not good. I\'ve also had two headaches in the past week, and I RARELY get headaches. When I do, the odds are even more slim that it would be bad enough to take something for it.
Obviously, something is happening and that raises my alert level and puts me on guard against myself.
Right now…I am in the moment.
In this moment, I am afraid.
afraid, and alone.