I started a job on Friday. 

And on Monday I will be starting at my office.  It's a little farther away, but it's only for the summer.  In August/September when my boss get's back from maternity leave, I will come back to the office closer to home, and she will teach me more of the computer applications for mail merge and what not.  I think I'm being prepped to take over more of her responsibilities… So that she can take less hours maybe…?  I have no idea.

It's good… I'm happy.  I have a job.

Things will change now.  I'll have to get my sleep schedule sorted out.  I'm very tired.  Exhausted really.  But I think with another week or so of getting on a schedule of having to get up early I'll get used to it.

So… Yay job…. Even better, yay money.  And in 2 months I'll be ecstatic about the health benefits.  Those were my main catalyst.  I need to work 2 months and then I can go talk to a doctor about tests and seeing if what ails me is more than just their usually perscription of being Depressed.  Stupid doctors.

Umm…

Other news… Last week I got in touch with an old schoolmate, who's father was a mentor/teacher to me in high school.  Suprise, that night after I got my mentor's email addy, he was mailing me back.  I was really nervous to get in touch with him. 

At his retirement party… I turned into a big baby and had to call for a ride home… There were all these old schooolmates, and my older sister and her friends were there.  I just felt overwhelmed.  My brother in law, before he was an inlaw, told me he would take me home, but I knew he was my older sister's ride.  I think I broke down about the time an old director I worked with, who was my sister's age, came over and gave me a hug.  He was the first person to come up to me… he saw me make eye contact… He was the only one, other than my ex teacher to give me a hug.  But Ert, my mentor, did one of those group hug things with my older sister and me.  I pretty much smiled, felt the tears piercing the backs of my eyes, and had to get out of there.  I made my excuses and fled.  I had to pass people my own age, from my graduating class, to get to the pay phones.  It was very embarrassing.  They didn't talk to me at all.  I cut them off after we graduated, plus, they were the same people who used and abused me through highschool and never really accepted me as a friend into their clique.  Just stupid shit.

So anyways, sorry… Back to the main topic.  Ert emails me and uses words like adore, and respect and love… several times, and how I'm part of his family, and goes on and on about what an amazing person I am… And how he will email me back whenever I write him and how we should get together.  To say it was odd is an understatement.  I knew he would get back to me, but not within the hour I sent the mail in the first place.  And I'm just not used to people wanting to talk and see me I guess. 

Now that I have my job and I'll have some money coming in… I'm going to try and call the people back who've asked me to hang out.  I'm going to really try to put myself out there and be available to the idea that I'm a good person they want in their lives.  It sounds so stupid.  That I can't just understand they want me in their lives.  That they are willing to deal with my social stupidity is just this weird thing to me I guess.

I need to get back out there… I've emailed so many of my old co workers and friends in the last week… asking for them to be references on my resume… and I'm trying to keep in touch and talk… but wow… everything just drains the hell out of me.

Which is my excuse for not getting back to people here.  I'm really hoping I don't let things build up again.  I'll try to check in more and get back to my friends better.  I'm so sorry that I've been ignoring this site.  I kept promising myself I wouldn't do that… and here I am telling myself late at night that I'll just do it tomorrow because I'm ready to crash now.

Thank you all so very much for the encouragement and support… I really don't know how I would deal if I couldn't leave my thoughts and inner monologues here.  It helps so much even if I don't get comments on it. 

I better go.  I still have to go to my sisters to get some pants hemmed for my new job.

2 Comments
  1. troubled12 13 years ago

    Congrads what an awesome step for you .I only wish you the best of luck on your journey forward.

     E

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  2. hatchedbird 13 years ago

    "It sounds so stupid.  That I can't just understand they want me in their lives.  That they are willing to deal with my social stupidity is just this weird thing to me I guess." <—————This is exactly what I can't seem to get over, with my vibrant, outgoing friends. I really don't know why they keep me around! But I think the truth is, they see something you sometimes have trouble seeing, something wonderful and great about you.

    I think all that your doing is great; I feel a little inspired actually, so thanks. 🙂 

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