This morning I walked into a local diner and was fortunate enough to meet a quite interesting and beautiful woman.  🙂  After a polite, “are you expecting anyone to join you?” She said “no”.  This was a HUGE step for me!  Usually I am the timid and quiet one in the corner in public settings!
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So I sat in the stool next to hers at the counter, she mentioned that she was only in town until tomorrow and I soon learned that her name is Mackensie, I introduced myself as “S” and we exchanged polite “good mornings” while she took a look at the menu.
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After seeing me exchange “morning” waves with the cooks, Andre, Sylvester and Edward.  Mackensie asked me if I was a regular there, and my answer was, ” This is the one meal I eat out each week.”  followed with one of my brightest smiles.  I was starting to relax and letting my guard down.   Gosh she smelled good, and I wondered what she thought of my typically dull, dusty and worn work clothes. Q – should I ask what kind of perfume she wears? In contrast, she looked great in a bright white blouse and khaki slacks, hair down loose and just a hint of makeup…..  The thought, “Am I actually drooling? crossed my mind as I wiped my chin…. My out of control hormones were making me feel antsy.   I should be happy that I am feeling any kind of attraction.
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Remember, My usual habit as a shy “trans” person is to have a book with me for company.  I like to fade into the background, and I prefer to not gain anyone’s attention!  But after a few brief glances her way I decided that I would rather talk with her….   Telling myself  to “chill out”, she’s human too after all.  🙂
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Needless to say,  my heart was racing!  I couldn’t believe that I was talking with this intriguing stranger.  All of my typical “hide and survive” habits were rearing their ugly faces. So I took a couple more deep breathes while I sipped my hot coffee…  I told myself that she has just met me, she has no preconceived notions about who or what I am.  My worst critic is often my own damn brain.  🙁
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I am only just starting to come “out of my shell” and am very out of practice and usually uncomfortable meeting new people.
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We exchanged a few of the typical small talk topics.  And I learned that she is in training to become a pilot.  We shared polite small talk over breakfast, and I could tell as time passed that she was becoming “interested” in me… I worried, is she “just curious”… or does she actually want to know me.  Most people don’t have the nerve to actually come out and ask, “Are you a woman or a man?”
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Have I mentioned  that I am way out of practice in social settings, especially when I have just met someone I am attracted to?  Problem is that I do not know how she thinks of me, does she see me as a woman or as a man?  Sometimes I really hate being Transgender…..Her attention definitely increased when I mentioned that I enjoy working with students of all ages, particularly the  9 – 12 age range.   This is how I get my “kid fix”.  Q –  is this a subtle hint from my subconscious that I want to be a parent?
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So to all of the trans people out there, how do you deal with feeling exposed and vulnerable?  Am I actually afraid of new people, or just overly cautious?                  Sending out hugs and hope – Iris